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Midnight Miracle – Required Listening

I have been listening to The Midnight Miracle podcast and I cannot recommend it enough. Some of the smartest, coolest, creatives in the world talk about music, politics, and a whole lot more – all mixed together with amazing musical interludes. No surprise that they are going to release these podcast broadcasts on vinyl soon – they are little self-contained gems. I got a subscription to Luminary just for these and it’s 100% worth it (as it happens I have also found a bunch of other fascinating podcasts on there incl. Trevor Noah and Russell Brand). If you are even a tiny bit of a fan of the mighty Dave Chapelle, Yasiin Bey (mos def) or Talib Kweli, this is an absolute must listen. Next level learning for aspiring creative people

Welcome to the Internet

Bo Burnham’s Inside is still resonating deeply. His creative mind is at the peak of its powers. And it is such a brilliant snapshot of the digitally connected world we live in, as well as being a profoundly thoughtful exploration of the pandemic and our place in it. This song is a superb standalone slice of genius, and also a great calling card for Bo Burnham’s mighty mix of humour and musical mastery. I have to admit I pegged him completely wrong and assumed (incorrectly) that he was not for me. After seeing this I will watch anything he makes. If it wasn’t obvious already. I urge you to watch it . It is pure creativity and simultaneously it is a study of the creative process. So much more than meets the eye.

Inside by Bo Burnham is a masterpiece

I watched Inside by Bo Burnham on Netflix last night. It was like nothing I have ever seen and I was utterly blown away by it. It’s listed as a comedy special but that doesn’t come close to describing it. It’s a meditation on life during the pandemic, it’s about creativity and the creative process, it’s about mental health, it’s about the digital world we live in, and ultimately it is a really beautiful, clever film. It is time very well spent in the company of a unique mind. Give it a watch, I’m going to watch it again.

Fleabag – A modern masterpiece

I know I’m extremely late to the party but I just blazed through both seasons of Fleabag. Don’t know how I missed it. I just can’t get over how truly incredible and original it is. Brilliantly creative liberties taken and whipsmart in it’s execution. Oh how I wish I could have seen the original theatrical production this show evolved from. Phoebe Waller Bridge is such a wildly brilliant writer and note perfect performer. And what a terrific cast across the board, with special effusive praise for Olivia Colman and Andrew Scott (I don’t think I’ve ever seen either of them put in a bad performance in anything). Probably preaching to the choir here, but if you were foolish enough to miss it like me, then don’t delay and watch it. I can’t say enough good things about it. It’s a work of genius.

HOZIER, FATHER TED AND ME

Many moons ago, when I was gigging more frequently and reciting poems and performing sketches, I was lucky enough to be part of a regular night called the Monthly General Meeting, which was a showcase for the most inventive and willdy wonderful creative minds in Ireland. On one of the particular shows, I was on the bill with soon-to-be global musical phenomenon Hozier, as well as Arthur Mathews, the co-writer of Father Ted (possibly the greatest sitcom ever). I recall the gig itself was in the unusual and interesting surroundings of a newly refurbished Georgian building in Merrion Square (it has since become an office building of some sort) For a while Shane (Diet of Worms) and Nial (delorentos) who ran the night, produced a terrific series of podcasts entitled The Weekly General Meeting focused on creativity, and I featured on the debut episode. Take a listen to the episode and I urge you to listen to the entire back catalogue, every one of them a snapshot of a golden age in Irish creativity, amiably hosted and curated by two great artists.

Listen to the episode here

All Together Now festival

If any of you Ireland-based folks are heading to the All Together Now festival this weekend, I will be hosting an incredible Brownbread Mixtape show on the Sunday with some of the finest spoken word artists in the world (Jasmine Gardosi and Erin Fornoff), as well as performing some classic radio-style comedy skecthes with our resident troupe The Brownbread Players. There will be plenty of singalongs, silly stories and a rousing rendition of My Blood is Boiling for Ireland too. It would be great to see some warm, friendly faces at the show. Pop by and say hello, and stick around for some of the other LEGENDS onstage at the event throughout the weekend!

The Far Side

I have been reading The Far Side cartoons with my kids over the past few months and I have been pleasantly reminded of how truly brilliant, concise and hilarious they are. 

In many ways they are the perfect little cartoon haiku. There is so much densely packed into each frame, and that constraint leads to so much creativity from Gary Larson. Some of my favourites are the ones where we are at the tipping point into a moment of action – and the comic promise is so rich. Equally the moments in the aftermath of something have such a bubbly fun energy to them. Of course, one of the things I adore is his fascination with the animal kingdom, and in equal parts his dismay at the sheer stupidity of humans. He truly could see the world from a different point of view.

I now realise what a huge influence they have been on my own comedy writing. The sheer silliness of them, coupled with the lean, clever way he cuts to the core of the comedy is such a delight. A true comic master.

It’s an almost impossible task to pick out favourites, but the one above is the one that started me on my journey through his collected works (and the continued journey through them with my children)

Any favourites of yours that spring to mind?

A series of letters to major drinks manufacturers where I unsuccessfully seek sponsorship for poetry



For almost a decade I have curated and hosted The Brownbread Mixtape, a themed variety show that showcases the best in music, spoken word poetry, and sketch comedy. One of the many shows was centred around the the theme of “drinking”. So, in the spirit of mischievousness (and to generate comedy material for the purposes of hosting the show) I fired off a series of letters to the makers of a variety of alcoholic beverages seeking sponsorship for myself and/or The Brownbread Mixtape. Below are the speculative and outlandishly stupid letters that I actually sent to the various companies in question. While the letters were ultimately absurd and silly in tone, at the heart of them lies perhaps a serious point about the lack of funding for many sectors of the arts. Only one of the companies ever came back with a response – Bulmers cider – and they seemed to get it was a joke, thanking me for the opportunity but gracefully declining. I am a Bulmers drinker for life as a result. Guinness sent back a generic response saying they would delete my email immediately as they cannot receive pitches for commercials, as they presumably could get sued for stealing ideas. None of the others ever responded, yet I still hold out hope like a drunken Friday night reveler. I hope that you enjoy reading them and take them in the silly spirit(s) they were written!

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#1 Devil’s Bit Cider

Dear Devil’s Bit

How’s things?

I am writing to you first and foremost as a big fan of your cider. It’s gorgeous.

Secondly I am writing to you as curator of a popular Dublin gig called “the brownbread mixtape” and as an award-winning performance poet with a small, dedicated following. In other words, I am a minor celebrity who has been described as quite good looking with a good foothold in “the scene”

Right, lets get down to business. There’s no way of saying this without sounding insensitive, so I’m just going to put it out there unfiltered. Your cider has a bit of a reputation for being drunk by pissheads and wasters. More people have your cider for breakfast than dinner basically.

So, I’ll cut to the chase. I am looking for sponsorship to further my artistic career and in return I am offering you the opportunity to leverage my skills and celebrity status to up your profile in a new segment of the cider consumption market. The arts. I would have no ethical or moral issues with this because your cider is delicious and I am not one of those “I am in it for the art” kind of whingers.

I have loads of ideas on how we could make this sponsorship work but here is one, just off the top of my head. You’ve probably seen Bulmers laughable new ads with celebrity economist David McWilliams. Now, I am a personal friend of the younger, cooler celebrity economist Ronan Lyons and I am sure I could convince him to be a part of a more edgy ad campaign for Devil’s Bit. We could poke fun at those pricks at Bulmers whilst maybe throwing in a few sound financial predictions while we’re at it. I would leave that part up to Ronan.

I would love to work with you to develop an advertising campaign and sign a pact with Devil’s Bit. Failing that, I would love some complimentary bottles of cider.

cheers
Kalle

[Note: The economist Ronan Lyons was even kind enough to share the original link to the letters on his Twitter account, so this still has the potential to happen. Come on Devil’s Bit, do the right thing]

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#2 Buckfast Tonic Wine

Dear Buckfast brothers,

I know that you are an order of Benedictine monks so I will try to keep this email quiet.

My name is Brother K and I come from a secret order of Irish monks called “Ar Meisce”. Every month we have a service and gathering in the ancient, sacred chapel upstairs in the “Head of the Stag temple” in Dublin city.  As we have fallen on hard times and you seem to be thriving, thanks in no small part to an abundance of students, hipsters and rip-roaring alcoholics who chug your wine like the apocalypse is coming, we are approaching you to be our financial benefactors and patrons for the remainder of our days. We are looking for 10 grand per month to maintain our current standard of praying and serving the Lord.

While we cannot force you to do this, we can only say that it would be what Christ would have done. And failure to do so will most likely condemn you to eternal damnation or some such variation on that theme.

God bless you brothers and may your wine always be fortified

Brother K

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# 3 Cristal Champagne

Dear Cristal,

Yes yes y’all. / Sippin Cristal , you can call me Kal. /
In Dublin 4 they call for more / Pints of Heino, then champers / SCORE! //
The bubbles are nice, the bubbles are nice / The Cristal bubbles at a nice nice price.

This is Kalle Ryan the poet and that is a little sample of some sweet new lyrics I am working on for my upcoming crossover into the hip-hop world. I will go by MC Kalle Greenz . At present I am a Z-grade celebrity in Ireland who performs poetry and hosts a savage night called the brownbread mixtape.

Now, I know you had a strong market share amongst rappers and hip-hop artists because of Jay Z and other cool motherfuckers. I also know that your CEO made some ignorant racist remarks in an interview with The Economist in 2006 which led to a big drop off in your hip-hop purchasing demographic. But I am here today to bring that fizz back to your bubbly sales with a new hip-hop audience. In exchange for a 7 figure sponsorship sum from you, I will drink as much Cristal as is humanly possible. I will even do this at public events such as The Brownbread Mixtape, where we will serve Cristal at every table (you will pick up the tab for this as a separate charge).

I will then write, direct, edit and produce viral videos for Cristal with my posse  of trained actors and writers, The Brownbread Players, which includes some serious  ballers and hustlers. Their CV reads like a “Best of Irish TV and Film” like Ros na Run, Meteor ads, eMobile, Sky TV, Kilkenny Arts Festival and the voice of directory inquiries. I have a few ideas for the viral video but I won’t pop my creative cork here just yet.

Look, you’re busy people, I’m a busy person. Let’s not yank each others’ chain here. Give me an answer in 24 hours if this is your bag. If not I will sell my lyrical credentials to Courvoisier or some other brand that has a tangential association with the hip hop lifestyle

Maximum respek

MC Kalle Greenz

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#4 Smirnoff Ice

Dear Smirnoff Ice,

This may shock you but your drink is manky. I remember one night I spilt some on the ground and I thought, “the poor ground”. But look, I have an idea that might give you some credibility and make you be the drink choice of people other than gobshites.

How would you feel about sponsoring a bunch of layabout actors, comedians, musicians and arty types? Doesn’t sound that appealing, does it? What if I told you that those people are in fact the wildly talented components in the brownbread mixtape, a monthly indie gig sensation in Dublin city. Between the live show and our award winning web presence you would have literally a hundred people who could be duped into drinking your sugary boozy gargle. Give it some thought. Considering you have a ridiculous amount of money for publicity and marketing, why not shower some of it on this idea?

Get in touch if you’re serious about not being the laughing stock of the drinks fridge

cheers
Kalle

P.S. I’ve seen your vociferous denials about the whole “getting iced” phenomenon but you’re not fooling anyone. Everyone knows you’re behind it. You’re some chancers!

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#5 Jose Cuervo Tequila

Dear Jose,

You know and I know that no one has ever come away from a night drinking your Tequila saying: “That was such a mellow uneventful night full of pacifism and I really feel amazing today”

So, here’s a radical idea. Give me money to run a cool arts night in Dublin where your brand would be prominently featured and in return I will cut out the middle man and pour  bottles of your tequila all over the bathroom floor and along the streets of Rathmines and near the Bernard Shaw pub.

Basically, we will also plug the hell out of your tequila and pretend that it isn’t a foul concoction.

I know what you’re thinking. This guy is crazy. But I might just be brilliant.

Try me

Kalle

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#6 Guinness

Dear Guinness,

I am writing to inform you of an amazing opportunity that awaits you… in this very letter.

Can you guess what it is?

Yep, you’re absolutely right, I have an idea for an ad for you.

I am a published poet, so feel free to heighten your expectations at this early stage in our correspondence

Picture it, black & white footage of three barmen, moustaches, white shirts, black slacks, black ties, nice leather shoes. Not slip ons. All of them walking down Exchequer street  in slo-mo. Each of them kicking an empty keg that’s rolling in front of them. In turn each one shouts “Bring out your dead!” As they pass pubs they’re joined by more barmen, similarly dressed, each one joining the parade and kicking an empty keg of their own until it becomes a parade of them up O’Connell street. Their backs suddenly and unexpectedly catch fire. The flames are deep orange and reds but the rest of the scene is in black & white. Cut to a pint of Guinness settling in a graveyard. It suddenly catches fire.

Caption: Guinness. It’s deadly.

All of this is beautifully scored by a song by Elder Roche. He is a deadly Dublin musician with a great hat and excellent songwriting skills. Plus I need to include him in this because we kinda came up with the idea together one night after a few scoops in the Stag’s Head. Although if we decide to shaft him we could maybe get a Massive Attack song instead. I love their stuff and anything in slow-mo looks deadly when you have a Massive Attack tune pumping over it. In fact, screw Elder, lets go with that.

If that doesn’t sound like your cup of tea, then I am happy to sit down with you to discuss the possibility of me selling out completely as a poet and accepting sponsorship from you. I have been supporting you for years now, so I would be only delighted to receive your patronage. And cash.

cheers
Kalle Ryan

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#7 Bulmers Cider

Dear Bulmers

How’s it going? My name is Kalle Ryan. Remember that name, it will become increasingly important as this letter goes on.

Ok, first things first. I love cider. Correction, I love your cider. Clonmel chardonnay we call it.

Second thing. I understand the whole Bulmers / Magners distinction. A few folks I know are still confused by it but they’re idiots, I totally get it. It’s historical and political, like everything in this country.

Ok third thing. I am a poet. Look me up on YouTube for cool samples of my undoubted talent. I have been a bit of an anti-establishment type of writer up until now and all about doing things for the love of it and for art’s sake. But I am basically sick of it. There’s no money in it and let’s face it, I’m not getting any younger.

So, this leads me to my proposition. I, Kalle Ryan, am offering you a once in a lifetime opportunity to partner up with me to be the first ever officially sponsored Irish poet. Loads of poets and writers and other layabouts have drank silly amounts of cider during their life. But how many of them were actually sponsored to drink that cider or write their poems? None of them, that’s how many.

Picture it now. Bulmers presents: Kalle Ryan. How cool does that sound? I’ll tell you. Very cool, that’s how cool. Provided you threw in a bit of extra wedge I would even be willing to change my name to ‘Bulmers presents Kalle Ryan’ and happily wear Bulmers t-shirts, caps and that kind of promotional tat all of the time.

Look I know you have McWilliams doing your ads at the moment, but let me give you some financial advice, he is a prat, a waste of money and people aren’t buying more cider because of him. I can do poems about cider and we can have people dancing in outrageous attire. In an orchard if you like. That’s the kind of shit people who drink cider absolutely love.

Give it some thought and let me know.

yours sincerely
Bulmers presents Kalle Ryan

P.S. Is it true that you relaunched the Pear cider because the first version gave people the scutters?

The Cathal O’Riain emails to scammers: #4 PATRICK JOSEPH

As mentioned in the posts over the past few days, I have been sharing some electronic correspondence with a number of email scammers as part of a brownbread mixtape show on the theme of the internet. Working deep undercover as Cathal O’Riain, I found some pure comedy gold. Here is the final email exchange with Patrick Joseph, a man who is extremely busy with his investments. Please note: Not a word of these emails has been altered. Enjoy!

See also Email Scammer #1: Glady FaustinoEmail Scammer #2: Carlos KnightEmail Scammer #3: Thomas Cox |

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Mr.Patrick Joseph – Fri, Nov 5, 2010 at 1:01 AM
Greetings From Mr.Patrick Joseph,

Dear Sir/Madam,

Although you might be apprehensive about my email as we have never met before. I am Mr.Patrick Joseph,a Banker, and Head of Operations with (AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK BURKINA FASO)in West Africa,there is the sum of $13.500,000.00 currently in my branch, there were no beneficiary stated concerning these funds which means no one would ever come to claim it.That is why I ask that we work together, I will be pleased to work with you as trusted person and see that the fund is transferred out of my Bank into another Bank Account,Once the funds have been transferred to your nominated Bank account we shall then share it in the ratio of 60% for me, 40% for you.

If you agree to my business proposal.further details of the transfer will be forwarded to you as soon as i receive your return mail, sending the below information

1. Full name
2: Your private telephone and Fax numbers.
3. Occupations and Nationality.
4. Date Of Birth
5. Present Location.

Hoping to hear from you as soon as possible.
Regards.
Mr.Patrick Joseph


The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy – Wed, Nov 17, 2010 at 12:02 AM
Hi Patrick Joseph

Did you realise that your last name is also a first name? Very coolAnyway I am interested in working with you. It sounds very profitable.Your name Patrick (your first name) is an Irish name. Are you Irish? I am IrishThe details you require are as follows:
1. Cathal O’Riain
2. I do not have a fax. Sorry man
3. My work is hard to describe. I am a celebrity in Ireland. I do Irish language films for a mature audience. I can assure they are very tasteful and I make a good living. My nationality , as you know from earlier in this email is Irish. Come on Ireland!
4. Date of Birth 20 January 1984
5. Present Location is my gaff in Ireland. What is your present location? Do you have a gaff of your own or are you crashing with mates?

Looking forward to doing business with you!

Cathal O’Riain


Mr.Patrick Joseph – Tue, Dec 7, 2010 at 4:31 AM
Dear Friend,

I have been waiting for you since to alert and inform me that you have
received your Confirmable MASTER CARD, but I did not hear from you
since that time. Thus i had to deposit the CARD with CHRONOPOST
COURIER COMPANY BURKINA FASO, before I traveled out of the country for
a 5 Months Investment Project and I will not come back till end of
April 2011.Due to your inability to help and receive the money I personally chose
your name to have, I contacted an old friend of Mine from Bulgaria and
I am happy to tell you that I succeeded in getting the fund
transferred with the help of this partner from Bulgaria. Right now, I
am in Bulgaria for investment on surgical equipment with my own Share
of the money. Meanwhile, I did not forget your past efforts to assist
though it fails us and as a result, I have small tokens for you as a
remembrance for your past effort and I wrote you someday ago but there
was no reply from you.Because of your unresponsive and consequences upon the approaches of
my flight Schedule with the new partner, I decided to deposit the Card
with chronopost delivering company. Hoping that you will forward your
address to them and receive the Card before now, base on my laid
agreements with the management. but i was so surprise today in regards
to the message i receive from Chronopost which clearly states that you
have not forwarded your delivering address were they will ship the
card until now.What you have to do now is to contact the CHRONOPOST COURIER COMPANY
BURKINA FASO as soon as possible to know when they will deliver your
package to you because of the expiring date. from the bottom of my
heart, i stored $600, 000, Six Hundred Thousand United State DollarsForward your information to them, I have paid for the delivering Charges.
The only money you will send to the Courier Company to deliver your
MASTER CARD direct to your postal Address in your country is (£225.00
EURO) Two Hundred &TWENTY Five EURO only being Security Keeping Fees
of the Courier Company so far.I would have paid keeping fee too but they said no because they don’t
know when you will contact them and in case of demurrages.

You have to contact the CHRONOPOST COURIER COMPANY BURKINA FASO   now
for the delivery of your MASTER CARD with this information bellow;
Contact Person: Mr. Goodluck Ibe
Email Address.. chronopostcourierc@post.com
website      :  www.chronotrace.com

Finally, make sure that you reconfirm your Postal address and Direct
telephone number to them again to avoid any mistake on the Delivery
and ask them to give you the tracking number to enable you track your
package over there and know when it will get to your address.

Let me repeat again, try to contact them as soon as you receive this
mail to avoid any further delay and remember to pay them their
Security Keeping fee of £225.00 EURO for their immediate action. You
should also let me know through email as soon as you receive your Card
so that we can share the joy after all.

Yours Faithfully,
Mr. Patrick Joseph.


The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy – Tue, Dec 7, 2010 at 9:25 AM
This all seems above board. The card looks flawless and real. I LOVE it when cool stuff like this happens to me. Can you tell me what the credit limit is on the card? I need to get a few prezzies for Christmas and was hoping I could stick em on the card. Would I be able to buy a load of stuff with it? Thanks a mill Paddy J!

Cathal


Mr.Patrick Josepm – Wed, Dec 8, 2010 at 5:35 AM
You have to contact the CHRONOPOST COURIER COMPANY BURKINA FASO   now
for the delivery of your MASTER CARD with this information bellow;
Contact Person: Mr. Goodluck Ibe
Email Address.. chronopostcour**rc@post.com
website      :  www.chronotrace.com

The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy – Wed, Dec 8, 2010 at 10:20 AM
I thought your name was cool, but step aside dude. The contact person’s name is “Goodluck Ibe” , that is ridonkulous! What a cool name and so apt.I will contact him, but first tell me why you are giving this to me. Is it a christmas gift?

Cathal


Mr.Patrick Joseph – Thu, Dec 9, 2010 at 3:52 AM
Dear partner how are you?I hope you are very fine with your entire family. If so glory is to
almighty God. I’m happy to inform you about my success in getting
those funds transferred under the cooperation of a new partner.Answer to your question not christmas gift ok,but I kept for your
conversation for all the past efforts and attempts to assist me in
this matter. I appreciated your efforts at that time I appreciated it
very much,i didn’t forget your past efforts and attempts to assist me
in transferring those funds i give it you.Finally, remember that I had forwarded instruction to the CHRONOPOST
COURIER COMPANY on your behalf to deliver that MASTER CARD to you, so
feel free to get in touch with her private email the will send the
MASTER CARD for you without any delay.Best Regards,
Mr.Patrick joseph

Mr.Patrick Joseph – Wed, Dec 15, 2010 at 4:35 AM
My dear friend,

I am writing again to inform you that I am no longer happy with your inability to comply with the courier company and receive the Credit Card I mapped out for you.Like I said before, I deposited this card with the company few weeks ago and ask them to convey it to you with the address you provided. Then, I was waiting for you to inform me that you have received the card for quite long but to my greatest surprise; I did not hear fromneither you nor the CHRONOPOST courier company until last week when Iaccess my email here in Bulgaria and I found a message from thecourier company which clearly states that they were unable to locateyour address.As a result of that, I contacted you again and informed you to rewritethe courier company and furnish them with your delivering address so that they can locate your address and come over to deliver it.two things is required from you: I, you have to reconfirm you directdelivering contact address, 2. You have to send the remainingdemurrage fee of £1225.00 all to chronopost as I instructed earlier.I have paid for the delivering fee and it was my intention to pay thekeeping fee too but they refused because they don’t know when you willbe contacting them for the collection and in the case of demurrage. Icould not visit the company again before taken off due to the timefactor and flight scheduled. And where I am presently, it is notpossible for me to send any money, yesterday, I tried to send themoney to Chronopost in Burkina Faso so that they can pay theirsecurity and move on to deliver the card to you but it was quiteembarrassing to notice that Western Union Money Transfer in Bulgariadoes not send money out; they only receive payment.It is not really possible for me to send money from here and I don’t intend to transfer the fee through my joint account with my partnerhere because he was not aware that I mapped out that card for you outof the deal I had with him, he will not be happy with me if he findsout that I made this great recompense to you out of the money we owntogether without his consent. So my dear, if you continue to delay,the demurrages will start counting and also concerning about thevalidation of the card. You have to make everything possible to raisethe demurrage fee of  £225.00 and send to the courier company at mycountry Burkina Faso so that they can do the needful and deliver thecard to youAsk the company to provide you with the Tracking number to enable youdetermine its arrival into your country. You must not waste timebecause the card has until end of Month of DECEMBER to seize from beenvalid. You have to receive and cash the credit before the end ofDecember ok.My dear I have done my part and I was hoping that you must havereceive the Card before now. I am very busy here with my investment, Idon’t have time to access my email always so I want to hear that youhave receive the card soonest so that we can share the joy after all.

Thanks once again
Mr. Patrick Joseph


The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy – Wed, Dec 15, 2010 at 9:31 AM
PJ

I am so sorry that you are not happy with me! I dont think I can afford the fee. Can we make some other kind of arrangement? If you know what I mean

cheers
Cathal


Mr.Patrick Joseph – Thu, Dec 16, 2010 at 7:15 AM
I do not know what you mean the kind of arrangement? so about the fee
£2,25.00 try and send it to courier company at my country Burkina Faso
so that they can do the needful and deliver the card to you.I am very busy here with my investment.

The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy <thebrownbreadmixtape@gmail.com>

Thu, Dec 16, 2010 at 2:38 PM

Paddy Joe,

I mean perhaps I could send you something else instead of money, like I could make a love connection with you in lieu of cashI dont have any money, but I also write poems. Perhaps I could send you 2250 quids worth of poems? They are good.I hope to hear from you soon

I am very busy here with my poverty.

Cathal

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Patrick Joseph sadly never responded. Obviously he is so busy with his investments he has forgotten to enjoy the finer things in life like lovemaking or poetry. Such a shame. Join me again for another Cathal O’Riain email. One man’s crusade to put a human face on the faceless spam in your inbox.

The Cathal O’Riain emails to scammers: #3 THOMAS COX

Over the past couple of days I have been sharing some email exchanges I conducted with some email scammers as part of an internet themed bronwbread mixtape. In my guise as Cathal O’Riain, I delved deep into their world and returned triumphant with comedy gold. Here is the third of those email exchanges with Thomas Cox, dispatch officer, cash photographer, country music fan and total ledgebag. Please note, not a word of these emails have been altered (he really did quote all 12 verses of the Bob Dylan song!). Mr Thomas Cox’s crazy colour scheme of the email text has not been changed either. Enjoy!

See also Email Scammer #1: Glady Faustino | Email Scammer #2: Carlos Knight | Email Scammer #4: Patrick Joseph

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SUBJECT LINE: UPS Payment Details For Insurance Fee That Will Keep Your Delivery Safe

Ups Courier Express Delivery <upscourierexpressdeliv#####@gmail.com>
Fri, Nov 19, 2010 at 7:33 AM

Attn: Cathal O Riain,

This is to notify you of a parcel containing a Check worth $5500,000.00  (Five Hundred And FiftyThousand Dollars) issued to us by Mr. Mc Cole and he has paid for the delivery Charges of your package.

Note: You are only responsible for UPS  INSURANCE FEE of $250.99cent , which is included in your deposited check as he has already made payment for the delivery of your package.

Therefore, you are to make payment through Western Union Money Transfer outlet near you to our accounting officer with the details below:

Receiver’s Name: Omoregie Roland, Receiver’s Address: Block 146 Cross Road Ikpebi Victoria Island Lagos Nigeria – Sender’s Name: – Sender’s Address: – Text Question: – Text Answer: – MTCN Number: –

Finally, get back to our office as soon as you have made payment through Western Union or Money Gram with the information of our accounting officer above, also with the MTCN / REFRENCE NUMBER in your payment receipt from Western Union or Money Gram and other necessary details for confirmation to enable us issue you an invoice and a tracking number as well.

I await your urgent response, as I also want to inform you that your parcel is right in my desk ready for delivery.

Tel: +234-703-022-2506
Best Regards,
Mr. Mr.Thomas Cox,
Chief Dispatch Officer (UPS  COURIER EXPRESS).

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The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy

Fri, Nov 19, 2010 at 2:45 PM

Mr Thomas Cox,

Sounds good. Would it be possible to see a photo of the actual cash?

cheers

Cathal

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Ups Courier Express Delivery
Sat, Nov 20, 2010 at 1:45 PM

We are in reciept of your mail and the content herein understood and noted in our file, your request have been seem, but due to the quality and policy of UPS, we only show you the full image of your parcel, but we can not temper with the opening of your parcel, all parcel such as yours are fully intact and only to be opened by you the owner.

The attached  colum contains the Image of your parcel as requested by you. For Confirmation of your given address by World Bank, kindly fill out the information below …

… Do please make sure that all your informations needed are complete to avoid delay,  you shall make this promptly so that by Monday, your parcel can be delivered to your country.
Best Regards,
Mr.Thomas Cox,
Chief Dispatch Officer (UPS  COURIER EXPRESS).

Attachment:

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The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Mon, Nov 22, 2010 at 9:35 AM

Thanks!

I will send you the details later on today once I have met with my bank manager. I must also speak with my wife a little more. She is very suspicious about this transaction. I told her not to worry because I have seen a photo of the package already. My wife is always suspicious because one time she saw me trying to kiss Jenny at the office party. Don’t worry though Tommy I didn’t have it off with her, it was just a bit of an auld feel. Anyway, I will definitely get back to you soon with all of the details you need.

Have a great day my man

Cathal

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Ups Courier Express Delivery
Thu, Nov 25, 2010 at 5:00 PM

We write to let you know that we are still waiting for the provision of your contact details to verify it with the one we have in our custody for the delivery of your parcel and to also make the payment of the Insurance Fee which is $250.99cent. The UPS EXPRESS COURIER are delaying all parcel delivery going to your lacation, you are to make prompt communication of the required things we needed to make your delivery a success.

We are waiting you to make these provision so that your track number will be sent to you to monitor every location where your parcel have reached.
Best Regards,
Mr.Thomas Cox,
Chief Dispatch Officer (UPS  COURIER EXPRESS).

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The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Fri, Nov 26, 2010 at 10:18 AM

Yo Tommy,

Sorry about the delay. My pants got caught on this hook thing and tore it. Basically to cut a long story short I dont think I can contact the bank. I think this sounds like an illegal Nigerian scam and you are trying to trick me.

Can you prove to me that you are honest and that I should do this? Do you like Bob Dylan? I have never met a bad person who likes Bob Dylan. Write back to me or the deal is off!

Cathal

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SUBJECT LINE: Affidavit of Claim

Ups Courier Express Delivery
Fri, Nov 26, 2010 at 2:33 PM

We are in reciept of your mail and the content well noted, we would like to use this medium to inform you that your parcel with us is real and intact safe and ready for delivery. but in the mean time. we’ll like to bring to your notice that for proper asurance and true evidence of the genuity of your parcel, we made contact with the World Bank Branch here in Nigeria to relay your curiousity to them and they was oblige to secure you Affidavit of Claim to us for the UPS EXPRESS to mail to you.

Do find the Affidavit of Claim in the attached colum to this mail. we do hope to hear from you with you contact details and your insurance payment fee.

One more thing who is Bob Dylan?.
Best Regards,
Mr.Thomas Cox,
Chief Dispatch Officer (UPS  COURIER EXPRESS).

Attachment:

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The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Fri, Nov 26, 2010 at 3:12 PM

Tommy,

I very much respect that you have sent me this affadavit. It seems totally authentic and definitely proves to me that your intentions are honorable. High five dude.

As for your question, who is Bob Dylan. Are you serious? Do you really not know who Bob Dylan is? Did you just arrive in a time machine?

Bob Dylan is basically the greatest songwriter of all time. He wrote pretty much every great song that has ever been sung. He is basically recognised as our modern day equivalent of Shakespeare. He is a musical ninja, a lyrical master, a shaman of the soul , a king of rock and roll. Have you ever heard of Knocking on Heaven’s Door (not the shitty Guns and Roses version) or All Along the Watchtower (Hendrix does a savage version of it) or what about Visions of Johanna, Simple Twist of Fate, Subterranean Homesick Blues, The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll, Desolation Row, Isis, Girl from the North Country, Hurricane, Positively 4th Street, Lay Lady Lay, Tombstone Blues, It’s Alright Ma, Idiot Wind or Slow Train Coming? Surely you must know some of those absolutely legendary songs? All of them are AMAZING!

The man is a total ledgebag and basically responsible for most of the great songs that we know in the world. The only other person who comes close is probably Bono. And dont tell me you dont know who Bono is. He is an incredible songwriter and singer with U2 and he has done loads of really good positive shit for Africa. He loves you, so I assume you love him too. If you dont know who I am talking about, its the short Irish guy with sunglasses and he does the peace sign a lot. The last three albums that he recorded with U2 were basically shite, probably because he was busy saving the world and that. I am not blaming you completely, but he definitely took his eye off the ball.

Anyway, I apologies for digressing completely there. I will send you my details in my next email but first you have to promise me that you will listen to the following Bob Dylan albums : Blonde on Blonde ; Highway 61 Revisited ; Blood on the Tracks ; Time Out of Mind (seriously underrated later album , produced by Daniel Lanois, who has also worked with U2 and Bono)

If you have time, take a listen to Achtung Baby and The Joshua Tree by U2. Epic songwriting. Incredible stuff. If you are in the right headspace definitely have a listen to Zooropa and Pop as well. Not for everyone though.

Anyway, get back to me as soon as you have had a listen to those albums. Then we can do the deal. I will send you my contact details and my insurance fee.
You seem cool. Thanks for being a part of my life and sharing in my interests. Talk to you soon duder

Cathal
P.S. I can’t believe that you dont know who Bob Dylan is. You looper!

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SUBJECT LINE: We Wait Your Payment And Your Contact Details

Ups Courier Express Delivery
Mon, Nov 29, 2010 at 6:56 PM

We are in reciept of your mail and the content well noted, we want to let you know that the UPS EXPRESS COURIER SERVICE are all most done with your delivery, so do make the provision of your contact details follow by your Insurance Fee so that we can deliver your parcel this week.

Well for the Artist Bob Dylan this is one of his songs.

Titled: 115th Dreams

I was riding on the Mayflower
When I thought I spied some land
I yelled for Captain Arab
I have yuh understand
Who came running to the deck
Said, “Boys, forget the whale
Look on over yonder
Cut the engines
Change the sail
Haul on the bowline”
We sang that melody
Like all tough sailors do
When they are far away at sea

“I think I’ll call it America”
I said as we hit land
I took a deep breath
I fell down, I could not stand
Captain Arab he started
Writing up some deeds
He said, “Let’s set up a fort
And start buying the place with beads”
Just then this cop comes down the street
Crazy as a loon
He throw us all in jail
For carryin’ harpoons

Ah me I busted out
Don’t even ask me how
I went to get some help
I walked by a Guernsey cow
Who directed me down
To the Bowery slums
Where people carried signs around
Saying, “Ban the bums”
I jumped right into line
Sayin’, “I hope that I’m not late”
When I realized I hadn’t eaten
For five days straight

I went into a restaurant
Lookin’ for the cook
I told them I was the editor
Of a famous etiquette book
The waitress he was handsome
He wore a powder blue cape
I ordered some suzette, I said
“Could you please make that crepe”
Just then the whole kitchen exploded
From boilin’ fat
Food was flying everywhere
And I left without my hat

Now, I didn’t mean to be nosy
But I went into a bank
To get some bail for Arab
And all the boys back in the tank
They asked me for some collateral
And I pulled down my pants
They threw me in the alley
When up comes this girl from France
Who invited me to her house
I went, but she had a friend
Who knocked me out
And robbed my boots
And I was on the street again

Well, I rapped upon a house
With the U.S. flag upon display
I said, “Could you help me out
I got some friends down the way”
The man says, “Get out of here
I’ll tear you limb from limb”
I said, “You know they refused Jesus, too”
He said, “You’re not Him
Get out of here before I break your bones
I ain’t your pop”
I decided to have him arrested
And I went looking for a cop

I ran right outside
And I hopped inside a cab
I went out the other door
This Englishman said, “Fab”
As he saw me leap a hot dog stand
And a chariot that stood
Parked across from a building
Advertising brotherhood
I ran right through the front door
Like a hobo sailor does
But it was just a funeral parlor
And the man asked me who I was

I repeated that my friends
Were all in jail, with a sigh
He gave me his card
He said, “Call me if they die”
I shook his hand and said goodbye
Ran out to the street
When a bowling ball came down the road
And knocked me off my feet
A pay phone was ringing
It just about blew my mind
When I picked it up and said hello
This foot came through the line

Well, by this time I was fed up
At tryin’ to make a stab
At bringin’ back any help
For my friends and Captain Arab
I decided to flip a coin
Like either heads or tails
Would let me know if I should go
Back to ship or back to jail
So I hocked my sailor suit
And I got a coin to flip
It came up tails
It rhymed with sails
So I made it back to the ship

Well, I got back and took
The parkin’ ticket off the mast
I was ripping it to shreds
When this coastguard boat went past
They asked me my name
And I said, “Captain Kidd”
They believed me but
They wanted to know
What exactly that I did
I said for the Pope of Eruke
I was employed
They let me go right away
They were very paranoid

Well, the last I heard of Arab
He was stuck on a whale
That was married to the deputy
Sheriff of the jail
But the funniest thing was
When I was leavin’ the bay
I saw three ships a-sailin’
They were all heading my way
I asked the captain what his name was
And how come he didn’t drive a truck
He said his name was Columbus
I just said, “Good luck”

Best Regards,
Mr.Thomas Cox,
Chief Dispatch Officer (UPS  COURIER EXPRESS).

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The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Tue, Nov 30, 2010 at 11:39 AM

Tommy,

My main man! Thats a great Bob Dylan track. LOVE it. Thanks for sharing the lyrics.

What is your favourite musician of all time? Could you recommend some good music for me? I will buy that music when my UPS parcel arrives.

Thanks dude

Cathal

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Ups Courier Express Delivery
Tue, Nov 30, 2010 at 12:45 PM

We are in reciept of your mail and the content well noted, we would like to let you know thatyou exspected to contact this office with your full contact details and your payment for your Insurance Fee, so that we can carry out your delivery at once.

Note that failure to make these fee and your details avaliable, your parcel shall be returned to the World Bank branch office here in Nigeria as an Unclaim parcel.

If you love country music do look for all album of my favorite country artist Don Williams.

Do make sure that all afro mentioned fees and contact are provided in your next mail to avoid return.

Do have a nice day

Best Regards,
Mr.Thomas Cox,
Chief Dispatch Officer (UPS  COURIER EXPRESS).

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The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Tue, Nov 30, 2010 at 1:42 PM

Tombo

Thanks so much for your response. I really respect your efforts to talk about the finer things in life like music and culture.

I feel like we have learned some great stuff from one another over the course of these emails. In fact I look forward to your email more than anything every day.

I have just listened to Don Williams and I am knocked out. Beautiful gentle country music. I had a listen to his song “You’re my best friend” and it reminds me a lot of my friendship with you Tommy. Together we can discuss all kinds of cool shit, while a package of money (which may or may not be fake) lies unclaimed at your local UPS store. That, dude, is true friendship. It may even be love.

Let me ask you this. If I dont provide the insurance fee and my details and the package goes unclaimed, will you write to someone else or will it stay there forever? Is it possible to do it this way, you send it to me, once I get the cash I will send you the insurance fee and I will throw in a cool 1000 dollars just for you. No questions asked dude.

Let me know if we can come to some sort of arrangement like this. I would hate to think that the money is just sitting there collecting dust.

Talk to you soon “my best friend”

cheers
Cathal

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Ups Courier Express Delivery
Tue, Nov 30, 2010 at 3:12 PM

We are in reciept of your mail and the content well noted, it’s better to talk the real facts about your parcel, well it might interest you to know that the UPS is not just a courier company, but it’s a company with high and legitimate company all over Africa and in diasporal, we do not involve in fraudulent practice, but if you are not interested in the delivery of your parcel it shall be returned to the World Bank Head Quater.

Be aware that if you did not pay up your fee maybe we try to convince you, no we are direct and we have policy that covers all of our operation that we carry out.

The reason we ask you to provide your contact details, is to confirm it with the one we have to avoid mistake while delivery. If you know that you do not want to proceeds with your cliam let us know so as to send you a Discliamer Form for security reason.

Do have a nice day.
Best Regards,
Mr.Thomas Cox,
Chief Dispatch Officer (UPS  COURIER EXPRESS).

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The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Tue, Nov 30, 2010 at 3:37 PM

Coxmeister,

I get the feeling that our friendship has soured and things will never be the same. Are you a bit miffed?

I am not comfortable sending you money and so if that means you dont want to send me the money, then we have reached an impasse. No money no honey!

So what happens now? Do we end this friendship and correspondence? I am sorry that we are not finding mutual ground to agree to make this deal happen, but if you decide we cannot continue, then please know that you will always have a place in my heart and if you want to exchange music tips please feel free to write to me any time you want.

I would strongly recommend you listen to the music of Wilco. Their album “Yankee Hotel Foxtrot” is probably the greatest album of the last 20 years. Have a listen to this song and try not to lose your shit completely: Jesus Etc. – Wilco

I look forward to exchanging music tips with you and hopefully sorting out this cash conundrum if you want to be cool about it. If we cant strike a deal, then please make sure you send the money from UPS to the Irish Government instead, they are strapped for a few bob.

Do have a nice day too. Seriously dude.

cheers
Cathal

P.S. I will never forget you

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Ups Courier Express Delivery
Tue, Nov 30, 2010 at 6:29 PM

Thank for the audence you have given, we will do as you have said, but note that this is a company address and if you would love to get in touch with me in person, here is my email address. murp####d@yahoo.com, we can always talk more there and share alot of Music Tips together.

Mr Thomas Cox

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The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Wed, Dec 1, 2010 at 9:58 AM
The Coxman!

No worries dude. I will be in touch soon on your private email address. Maybe we can be pen friends and discuss music, movies and cool people we have banged!

later bro
Cathal

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2 MONTHS LATER

The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Fri, Feb 4, 2011 at 1:50 PM

Hey Thomas Cox

Long time no speak!
I have been thinking about you a lot recently and I realise that I have been a bad friend. I wanted to write to you and see how you are doing.
How are you doing?
I just heard some amazing new music that you’re gonna love.
1. This one is action movie star Dolph Lundgren performing the Elvis classic “A little less conversation”. He also does karate in the video. VERY COOL!
2. This is a song called N17 by The Saw Doctors. One of the greatest Irish bands of all time from a famous mucker town called Tuam. Get ready to have your mind blown!
I look forward to hearing what you think about these songs. Please tell me about some of your favourite new music.
Talk to you soon old friend!
Cathal
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murp####d@yahoo.com
Wed, Mar 9, 2011 at 12:33 PM
DEAR CathalSORRY I HAVE NOT BEEN AROUND FOR SOME TIME NOW, I WAS FEELING VERY SICK, BUT I AM BACK NOW, I GOT YOUR LAST MAIL THANK YOU VERY MUCH. PLEASE I HAVE SOMETHING I WANT YOU TO HELP ME WITH, DO READ BELOW.TOP OF THE DAY TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY, MY NAME IS MR. THOMAS COX FROM NIGERIA.
I NEED YOUR HELP, I HAVE AN ONLINE ACCOUNT WITH A BANK IN ASIA AND I WANT TO TRANSFER MY MONEY TO COUNTRY NIGERIA, BUT DUE TO THE NATURE OF OUR BANKING SYSTEM, THEY CAN NOT MAKE THE TRANSFER DIRECT TO NIGERIA THROUGH BANK TO BANK TRANSFER.THE PROPOSAL IS SIMPLE AND IT REQUIRES YOUR TRUST AND KNOW THAT THIS PROPOSAL DOES NOT REQUIRE ANY OF YOUR FINANCIAL OBLIGATIONS, BUT IT REQUIRES TRUST, YOUR CONFIDENTIALITY.ALLOW ME GO STRAIGHT TO THE POINT ONCE AGAIN BY LETTING YOU KNOW THAT MY BANK IN ASIA WANT TO TRANSFER THIS MONEY TO NIGERIA AND THE BANK I BANK WITH DOES NOT DO DIRECT TRANSFER TO AN ACCOUNT HERE IN NIGERIA BUT THEY CAN ONLY MAKE THE TRANSFER THROUGH ELECTRONIC INTER-SWITCH TRANSFER SYSTEM VIA CREDIT CARDS, THEY ONLY REQUIRES A VISA OR A MASTER CARD. AND WE DO NOT HAVE THAT FACILITIES HERE IN THE COUNTRY.I AGREEDED TO GIVE OUT 10% OF ANY TRANSFER MADE TO YOU IF YOU ARE WILLING TO ACCEPT AND HELP ME IN THIS PROPOSAL AND I BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN DO IT AND THIS IS THE REASON WHY I AM WRITING TO LET YOU KNOW IF YOU WANT TO HELP.DO LET ME KNOW URGENTLY IF YOU WANT TO INVOLVE IN THIS DEAL.REGARDS
MR. THOMAS COX
+2348136622557
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The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Wed, Mar 9, 2011 at 4:52 PM
You’ve changed.
later dude
Cathal O’Riain

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the brownbread mixtape is a free monthly
comedy, poetry & music show
in the Stag’s Head pub in Dublin, Ireland.

Each  show has a theme.
Each act does a performance based on the theme.
We all have loads of fun.
Simple as that.

We can be followed & liked in these places:
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