7 Deadly Facts (poem)

7 Deadly Facts (poem)

"7 Deadly Facts” - Colm Mac Athlaoich (Apr 29th 2011)

Around the time my first son was born I wanted to write something to mark his arrival. I was doing a lot of festival gigs at the time and I found that humorous poems always garnered a better reaction in those large crowd settings. So, I played around with the idea of something silly and funny, that was masquerading as a parent imparting knowledge. In addition, I wanted to amplify that realisation every kid has that their parents don’t necessarily know what they’re talking about.So I took that to the extreme and built out a list of ludicrous “facts” that made me laugh. I then started whittling them down to my favourites and I ended up with seven that worked best. My mind immediately jumped to traditional parenting ideas of old like the 7 deadly sins, and I had a perfect title – 7 deadly facts. This made me smile, knowing that there was also a bit of wordplay with the term “deadly”, a Dublin slang term for great or cool. And thus, the poem below clicked into place and was finished. It’s never been shared in print before, because it undoubtedly works better as a performance piece, but it still makes me smile. I hope it does the same for you. 

7 Deadly Facts

When I was a kid
the Internet was in black & white
it ran on diesel
and had to be wound up every night 
before you went to bed 

When I was a kid
the island of Ireland
was made of completely detachable parts
and had an engine on it just north of Donegal
and for three weeks every summer 
the country would chug down to somewhere
off the coast of France
on its holidays

When I was a kid
in Waterford it was actually made of crystal which made plumbing particularly disgusting FACT

When I was a kid
if you won the World Cup in soccer you got to keep the other country for 4 years until the next World Cup thus coining the term "Getting a Brazilian" FACT

When I was a kid
we used to dress up as tax inspectors at Halloween and fleece our stupid neighbours FACT 

When I was a kid
the most popular television programme
was an Irish language slapstick show
Na Trí Stooges
starring Larry, Curly
agus Modh Coinníollach FACT

When I was a kid
the most popular drink in Ireland was a million pints of whiskey deep fried with a short documentary about Phil Lynott projected through the middle of it on the rocks FACT

"7 Deadly Facts" - Paddy Lynch (April 29 2011)

man, what a concept!

Several years ago I started drawing these little cartoons that I called “The Man” and each little image was a quirky or philosophical musing on what it was to be alive. Most of them are pretty absurd (and crudely drawn) but they struck a chord with some other friends, one of whom even made a t-shirt out of one of them (what an honour!). So I kept drawing them, and many of them still make me chuckle, and others even feel like they came from something unconscious within me and told some grander truth. Most of all they were just enjoyable to draw, and it is an idea I revisit time to time. I have bucketloads more of them that may well see the light of day as a series sometime, but for now, here are initial scraps of sketches and ideas for that cartoon series of “The Man”. I quite like the simplicity of them and the ideas they evoke.

Red Guinness

One more from my sketchbooks at the turn of the millennium. This may have been an idea I was toying with as a fake ad campaign for our arty, satirical website artlick.com, or perhaps it was just a little gag for my own amusement. Either way, something about the simplicity and silliness of it still really appeals to me. In this day and age of craft beers, it almost feels like something that could happen.

Mr. Splash starring Nicolas Cage and a bottle of ketchup

Nicolas Cage has been making increasingly erratic and poor movie choices for some time now. Back in the 90s, for the now defunct artlick.com project, myself and my friend Dave had this mad idea of creating marketing materials & collateral for a buddy road-trip movie, where Cage would star as himself opposite a bottle of ketchup. We wanted it to be just odd enough to seem almost a plausible choice Cage would make. We really got into it and the final mugshot movie poster Dave created up above is an absolute gem – a proper work of art that belongs on a wall – and I would dearly love to see this movie. Presenting Mr Splash…

The idea began I think over lunch one day when we spilled some ketchup on the table and Dave took a photo of it with our trusty digital camera. Somewhere between that moment and our mild obsession with quirkmeister Nicolas Cage as an actor, grew this idea, which was quite simply one of the most fun creative things we ever brought to life. It spawned such a world for us as we explored it, including a whole backstory and history, as well as a visual identity that we gave a lot of thought to.

We were very interested in getting the right look and feel for this sort of creative project, so it became important to us to test different variations of ideas and styles for the fake film we were constructing. We landed eventually on the teaser poster above, but we did toy with the slightly more cartoonish noir one below for a while, but eventually discarded it.

With the visuals starting to take shape, we spent ages (probably far too long) cooking up names for the cast and crew of the movie. I have very vivid recollections of being very precise and specific about this absurd list of contributors, but that level of detail ultimately helped us bring the creative world it lived in to life. There was a particualr moment of giddiness about deciding the score was written by someone called simply “Barkley”, which somehow was a nod to the legendary composer Vangelis. Which then led to us deciding that Vangelis was actually going to make his debut as an actor in the movie! (alongside a rather eclectic international cast, which you can see in the mugshot poster at the very top of this post)

As part of this extensive world building, we then decided to present the archival materials and content from the film on artlick.com as an exclusive peek into the library of self-proclaimed film historian and auteur  (and crushing bore) Raymind Runn, a personal friend of the film’s director. Below is the elaborate, self-indulgent, and deliberately poorly written introduction we used to present Mr. Splash on the website.

There are other fragments that I can unfortunately no longer find, including a memo from the movie producers outlining a series of changes they required in order to complete the financing of the movie to completion – with ludicrous requests like demanding that it be 17% more funny; adding a scene where someone eats sushi, because people love sushi; giving Nicolas Cage or the bottle of ketchup a catchphrase.

Like so many of the things we created for artlick, we really went deep into the details, and went super specific to our own sense of humour, in the hope that others would follow. And if they didnt, that was ok, because we had an absolute blast piecing it together. Which feels like a good rule of thumb in general for most creative endeavours. It will find an audience. Even if it doesn’t, enjoy it. You might end up with something as funny and simultaneously cool as this poster!

A series of letters to major drinks manufacturers where I unsuccessfully seek sponsorship for poetry

For almost a decade I have curated and hosted The Brownbread Mixtape, a themed variety show that showcases the best in music, spoken word poetry, and sketch comedy. One of the many shows was centred around the the theme of “drinking”. So, in the spirit of mischievousness (and to generate comedy material for the purposes of hosting the show) I fired off a series of letters to the makers of a variety of alcoholic beverages seeking sponsorship for myself and/or The Brownbread Mixtape. Below are the speculative and outlandishly stupid letters that I actually sent to the various companies in question. While the letters were ultimately absurd and silly in tone, at the heart of them lies perhaps a serious point about the lack of funding for many sectors of the arts. Only one of the companies ever came back with a response – Bulmers cider – and they seemed to get it was a joke, thanking me for the opportunity but gracefully declining. I am a Bulmers drinker for life as a result. Guinness sent back a generic response saying they would delete my email immediately as they cannot receive pitches for commercials, as they presumably could get sued for stealing ideas. None of the others ever responded, yet I still hold out hope like a drunken Friday night reveler. I hope that you enjoy reading them and take them in the silly spirit(s) they were written!


#1 Devil’s Bit Cider

Dear Devil’s Bit

How’s things?

I am writing to you first and foremost as a big fan of your cider. It’s gorgeous.

Secondly I am writing to you as curator of a popular Dublin gig called “the brownbread mixtape” and as an award-winning performance poet with a small, dedicated following. In other words, I am a minor celebrity who has been described as quite good looking with a good foothold in “the scene”

Right, lets get down to business. There’s no way of saying this without sounding insensitive, so I’m just going to put it out there unfiltered. Your cider has a bit of a reputation for being drunk by pissheads and wasters. More people have your cider for breakfast than dinner basically.

So, I’ll cut to the chase. I am looking for sponsorship to further my artistic career and in return I am offering you the opportunity to leverage my skills and celebrity status to up your profile in a new segment of the cider consumption market. The arts. I would have no ethical or moral issues with this because your cider is delicious and I am not one of those “I am in it for the art” kind of whingers.

I have loads of ideas on how we could make this sponsorship work but here is one, just off the top of my head. You’ve probably seen Bulmers laughable new ads with celebrity economist David McWilliams. Now, I am a personal friend of the younger, cooler celebrity economist Ronan Lyons and I am sure I could convince him to be a part of a more edgy ad campaign for Devil’s Bit. We could poke fun at those pricks at Bulmers whilst maybe throwing in a few sound financial predictions while we’re at it. I would leave that part up to Ronan.

I would love to work with you to develop an advertising campaign and sign a pact with Devil’s Bit. Failing that, I would love some complimentary bottles of cider.


[Note: The economist Ronan Lyons was even kind enough to share the original link to the letters on his Twitter account, so this still has the potential to happen. Come on Devil’s Bit, do the right thing]


#2 Buckfast Tonic Wine

Dear Buckfast brothers,

I know that you are an order of Benedictine monks so I will try to keep this email quiet.

My name is Brother K and I come from a secret order of Irish monks called “Ar Meisce”. Every month we have a service and gathering in the ancient, sacred chapel upstairs in the “Head of the Stag temple” in Dublin city.  As we have fallen on hard times and you seem to be thriving, thanks in no small part to an abundance of students, hipsters and rip-roaring alcoholics who chug your wine like the apocalypse is coming, we are approaching you to be our financial benefactors and patrons for the remainder of our days. We are looking for 10 grand per month to maintain our current standard of praying and serving the Lord.

While we cannot force you to do this, we can only say that it would be what Christ would have done. And failure to do so will most likely condemn you to eternal damnation or some such variation on that theme.

God bless you brothers and may your wine always be fortified

Brother K


# 3 Cristal Champagne

Dear Cristal,

Yes yes y’all. / Sippin Cristal , you can call me Kal. /
In Dublin 4 they call for more / Pints of Heino, then champers / SCORE! //
The bubbles are nice, the bubbles are nice / The Cristal bubbles at a nice nice price.

This is Kalle Ryan the poet and that is a little sample of some sweet new lyrics I am working on for my upcoming crossover into the hip-hop world. I will go by MC Kalle Greenz . At present I am a Z-grade celebrity in Ireland who performs poetry and hosts a savage night called the brownbread mixtape.

Now, I know you had a strong market share amongst rappers and hip-hop artists because of Jay Z and other cool motherfuckers. I also know that your CEO made some ignorant racist remarks in an interview with The Economist in 2006 which led to a big drop off in your hip-hop purchasing demographic. But I am here today to bring that fizz back to your bubbly sales with a new hip-hop audience. In exchange for a 7 figure sponsorship sum from you, I will drink as much Cristal as is humanly possible. I will even do this at public events such as The Brownbread Mixtape, where we will serve Cristal at every table (you will pick up the tab for this as a separate charge).

I will then write, direct, edit and produce viral videos for Cristal with my posse  of trained actors and writers, The Brownbread Players, which includes some serious  ballers and hustlers. Their CV reads like a “Best of Irish TV and Film” like Ros na Run, Meteor ads, eMobile, Sky TV, Kilkenny Arts Festival and the voice of directory inquiries. I have a few ideas for the viral video but I won’t pop my creative cork here just yet.

Look, you’re busy people, I’m a busy person. Let’s not yank each others’ chain here. Give me an answer in 24 hours if this is your bag. If not I will sell my lyrical credentials to Courvoisier or some other brand that has a tangential association with the hip hop lifestyle

Maximum respek

MC Kalle Greenz


#4 Smirnoff Ice

Dear Smirnoff Ice,

This may shock you but your drink is manky. I remember one night I spilt some on the ground and I thought, “the poor ground”. But look, I have an idea that might give you some credibility and make you be the drink choice of people other than gobshites.

How would you feel about sponsoring a bunch of layabout actors, comedians, musicians and arty types? Doesn’t sound that appealing, does it? What if I told you that those people are in fact the wildly talented components in the brownbread mixtape, a monthly indie gig sensation in Dublin city. Between the live show and our award winning web presence you would have literally a hundred people who could be duped into drinking your sugary boozy gargle. Give it some thought. Considering you have a ridiculous amount of money for publicity and marketing, why not shower some of it on this idea?

Get in touch if you’re serious about not being the laughing stock of the drinks fridge


P.S. I’ve seen your vociferous denials about the whole “getting iced” phenomenon but you’re not fooling anyone. Everyone knows you’re behind it. You’re some chancers!


#5 Jose Cuervo Tequila

Dear Jose,

You know and I know that no one has ever come away from a night drinking your Tequila saying: “That was such a mellow uneventful night full of pacifism and I really feel amazing today”

So, here’s a radical idea. Give me money to run a cool arts night in Dublin where your brand would be prominently featured and in return I will cut out the middle man and pour  bottles of your tequila all over the bathroom floor and along the streets of Rathmines and near the Bernard Shaw pub.

Basically, we will also plug the hell out of your tequila and pretend that it isn’t a foul concoction.

I know what you’re thinking. This guy is crazy. But I might just be brilliant.

Try me



#6 Guinness

Dear Guinness,

I am writing to inform you of an amazing opportunity that awaits you… in this very letter.

Can you guess what it is?

Yep, you’re absolutely right, I have an idea for an ad for you.

I am a published poet, so feel free to heighten your expectations at this early stage in our correspondence

Picture it, black & white footage of three barmen, moustaches, white shirts, black slacks, black ties, nice leather shoes. Not slip ons. All of them walking down Exchequer street  in slo-mo. Each of them kicking an empty keg that’s rolling in front of them. In turn each one shouts “Bring out your dead!” As they pass pubs they’re joined by more barmen, similarly dressed, each one joining the parade and kicking an empty keg of their own until it becomes a parade of them up O’Connell street. Their backs suddenly and unexpectedly catch fire. The flames are deep orange and reds but the rest of the scene is in black & white. Cut to a pint of Guinness settling in a graveyard. It suddenly catches fire.

Caption: Guinness. It’s deadly.

All of this is beautifully scored by a song by Elder Roche. He is a deadly Dublin musician with a great hat and excellent songwriting skills. Plus I need to include him in this because we kinda came up with the idea together one night after a few scoops in the Stag’s Head. Although if we decide to shaft him we could maybe get a Massive Attack song instead. I love their stuff and anything in slow-mo looks deadly when you have a Massive Attack tune pumping over it. In fact, screw Elder, lets go with that.

If that doesn’t sound like your cup of tea, then I am happy to sit down with you to discuss the possibility of me selling out completely as a poet and accepting sponsorship from you. I have been supporting you for years now, so I would be only delighted to receive your patronage. And cash.

Kalle Ryan


#7 Bulmers Cider

Dear Bulmers

How’s it going? My name is Kalle Ryan. Remember that name, it will become increasingly important as this letter goes on.

Ok, first things first. I love cider. Correction, I love your cider. Clonmel chardonnay we call it.

Second thing. I understand the whole Bulmers / Magners distinction. A few folks I know are still confused by it but they’re idiots, I totally get it. It’s historical and political, like everything in this country.

Ok third thing. I am a poet. Look me up on YouTube for cool samples of my undoubted talent. I have been a bit of an anti-establishment type of writer up until now and all about doing things for the love of it and for art’s sake. But I am basically sick of it. There’s no money in it and let’s face it, I’m not getting any younger.

So, this leads me to my proposition. I, Kalle Ryan, am offering you a once in a lifetime opportunity to partner up with me to be the first ever officially sponsored Irish poet. Loads of poets and writers and other layabouts have drank silly amounts of cider during their life. But how many of them were actually sponsored to drink that cider or write their poems? None of them, that’s how many.

Picture it now. Bulmers presents: Kalle Ryan. How cool does that sound? I’ll tell you. Very cool, that’s how cool. Provided you threw in a bit of extra wedge I would even be willing to change my name to ‘Bulmers presents Kalle Ryan’ and happily wear Bulmers t-shirts, caps and that kind of promotional tat all of the time.

Look I know you have McWilliams doing your ads at the moment, but let me give you some financial advice, he is a prat, a waste of money and people aren’t buying more cider because of him. I can do poems about cider and we can have people dancing in outrageous attire. In an orchard if you like. That’s the kind of shit people who drink cider absolutely love.

Give it some thought and let me know.

yours sincerely
Bulmers presents Kalle Ryan

P.S. Is it true that you relaunched the Pear cider because the first version gave people the scutters?

The Cathal O’Riain emails to scammers: #1 GLADYS FAUSTINO

One month at the brownbread mixtape show our theme of the night was “The Internet” and so, in preparation for the show, I went through the brownbread mixtape email spam folder and embarked upon some electronic correspondence with a number of email scammers (under my cleverly encrypted celtic code name Cathal O’Riain!). The result was beyond my wildest dreams. Pure comedy gold. I read extracts from two or three of these funny email exchanges on the night.  This is the wonderful back-and-forth with the inimitable Gladys Faustino in full – not a single word of it has been altered. It is a story filled with assassination attempts, evil stepmothers, Dublin mechanics, quite a bit of repetition and it ends rather abruptly. No idea why. Hope that you enjoy it! Pass on the link…

See also Email Scammer #2: Carlos Knight | Email Scammer #3 | Email Scammer #4


SUBJECT LINE: Hello From Gladys
Gladys Faustino <gladysf*****@la**.hu>
Fri, Oct 22, 2010 at 3:23 AM

Please, I apologize for sending you this sensitive information via e-mail instead of a Certified mail/Post-mail. This is due to the urgency of the information .

I am writing this letter in confidence believing that if it is the wish of God for you to help me, God almighty will bless and reward you abundantly and you would never regret it My name is Gladys Faustino Fudut a 24 years old female from the Republic of Guinea Bissau, the daughter of Late Mr Faustino Fudut Imbali who was Prime Minister of our country from 21 March 2001 to 9 December 2001 and founder of the Manifest Party of the People (PMP) and ran as its presidential candidate in the 19 June 2005 Presidential election, winning 0.52% of the vote. On Friday 5 June 2009, My late father was killed. What led to the cold blood killing is still unclear but I know that my father life was the target. You can read more about my father in the bbc link below.

I am constrained to contact you because of the maltreatment which I am receiving from my stepmother. She planned to take away all my late father’s treasury and properties from me. Meanwhile I wanted to travel to Europe, but she hide away my international passport and other valuable documents. Luckily she did not discover where I kept my father’s File which contained important documents. Now I am presently staying in the Mission in Burkina Faso. I am seeking for long term relationship and investment assistance. My father of blessed memory deposited the sum of US$ 4.2 Million in one bank in Burkina Faso with my name as the next of kin.
My status according to the local law does not authorize me clear the deposit. However, a trustee who will stand on my behalf will. Therefore, I decide to seek for your help in transferring the money into your bank account while I will relocate to your country and settle down with you. It is my intention to compensate you with 20% of the total money for your assistance and the balance shall be my investment in any profitable venture which you will recommend to me as have no any idea about foreign investment.

Thanking you a lot in anticipation of your quick response. I will give you details in my next mail after receiving your acceptance mail to help me.

Yours sincerely,
Gladys Faustino.


The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy <thebrownbreadmixtape (at) gmail.com>
Wed, Nov 17, 2010 at 12:05 AM

I accept. Lets do this shit. let me know how I can help

Cathal O’Riain


Gladys Faustino
Wed, Nov 17, 2010 at 8:36 AM

Hello Cathal O’Riain,

Thanks a lot for your quick response.I need your help as my trustee for transferring the money to your bank account for investment project. As I told you in my earlier mail that presently, I am staying in the mission in Burkina Faso and I haven’t a personal telephone to be reached but if you wish to speak with me on phone,you can reach me through the office telephone number of the Maison de Dieu co-ordinator. His name is Reverend Father Daniel Leo and his office telephone number is 78665273. If you call tell him that you want to speak with Gladys Faustino

I need you to represent me and transfer the money into your bank account. I wanted to inform my stepmother about this deposit but am afraid that she will not release the money to me because after the death of my parent she and my uncle arrange secretly and sold my father’s estate in Monaco. They shared the money among themselves and ever then they have been maltreating me and even made arrangement to assassinate me because of the demand for my share of the money from the sales of the hotel. I am lonely here in pains, hunger and Suffering sustaining myself by God grace as I have no cash at hand presently. All my hope depends on the deposite with the bank in which my future lies.

Please send me your full contact information which include: Name -Contact address -Telephone numbers to be reached – Your age  – Your Occupation  – Marital Status  – Your Nationality – Your photos to see you:

As soon as I receive the above details, I will notify the bank about you as my trustee/representative. After you receive the money in your bank account you will send some amount to me to process my traveling documents which I will use to come and settle in your country and further my academic studies.

Thanks a lot in anticipation of your quick reply.
Yours truly,
Gladys Faustino.


The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Wed, Nov 17, 2010 at 9:33 AM

Ok cool, no problem I would be happy to sort this out for you.

But before I give you all of my details I need to know if I can trust you.

Can you answer some of my questions first

1. You said your father had an estate in Monaco. Who is your father, is he a Count or powerful Lord?

2. Tell me a little bit about Burkina Faso, is it a cool place? It sounds dangerous with assassins and evil stepmothers.

3. Do you know how much money we are talking about here? My car is banjaxed at the moment so I was hoping it would be enough to get Gerry , my mechanic in Kimmage, to fix it. Will it be more than 423 EURO?

4. Can you tell me what you would like to study when you come to settle in my country? I should warn you, our country is full of gangsters and our financial situation is very shit.

5. What is your favourite music?

I look forward to your responses and to conducting this business with you



Gladys Faustino
Sat, Nov 20, 2010 at 8:34 AM

Dear Cathal,

I have received your mail.
Ok cool, no problem I would be happy to sort this out for you.
Thanks for your acceptance to happily help me
But before I give you all of my details I need to know if I can trust you.
Yes you should trust me as i fully trust in you.
Can you answer some of my questions first
Yes I will answer all your questions
1. You said your father had an estate in Monaco. Who is your father, is he a Count or powerful Lord?
Ans: Yes my father had an estate in Fontvieille Marina, Monaco which my wicked stepmother sold to a french man. My father name is Late Mr Faustino Fudut Imbali who was a Guinea-Bissau great politician and was Prime Minister of our country from 21 March 2001 to 9 December 2001 and also the founder of the Manifest Party of the People (PMP) and ran as its presidential candidate in the 19 June 2005 Presidential election.
2. Tell me a little bit about Burkina Faso, is it a cool place? It sounds dangerous with assassins and evil stepmothers.
Ans: Burkina Faso is one of the country in West African Coast region. Yes is a cool and peaceful place where laws are been maintained. No my evil stepmother up till date do not know my where about.
3. Do you know how much money we are talking about here? My car is banjaxed at the moment so I was hoping it would be enough to get Gerry, my mechanic in Kimmage, to fix it. Will it be more than 423 EURO?
Ans: Yes I know the deposited the sum in the bank is US$ 4.2 Million that is what will be transfered to your bank account. I map out 10% to cover the expenses while 25% is your commision for helping me bringing it to 35% which you will deduct as soon as you receive the money in your bank account.
4. Can you tell me what you would like to study when you come to settle in my country? I should warn you, our country is full of gangsters and our financial situation is very shit.
Ans: I will continue with my studies in business management. You will be there to guild me and direct me.
5. What is your favourite music?
Ans: Blues, cool music and gospel

I look forward to your responses and to conducting this business with you
Those are my response and I will be waiting for you to send me your your full contact information and Your photos to see you:

So that I will give you the contact of the bank. You will contact the bank as my trustee and ask them the procedures of transferring the money to your bank account. God bless you and I hope to hear from you soon.

Yours truly,,


The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Mon, Nov 22, 2010 at 10:12 AM


You are so cool. Thanks for answering all of my questions. I feel like I can trust you with anything now.

So, your father was Prime Minister! BOOM! That’s amazing. Your evil stepmother sounds like a complete bitch. I cant believe your dad ever married her.

Do you know who Bertie Ahern is? I bet your dad might have met him in his global political dealings. Check your house for brown envelopes marked with a Drumcondra postal stamp. They will be from Bertie. They are his trademark.

Sorry, I got very emotional there because my family lost so much during the troubled economic times here too. We have been through a difficult series of decades with a group of incompetent evil cute hoors called Fianna Fail (much more evil than your stepmother!) who stole from the poor and rezoned land for the rich and their friends in the banks and all of the property developers. The people of my country are basically taking it up the gikker because of all of the governments cheating, lying and mismanaging. I have no money left now and this email from you was like a message from heaven saying there are legitimiate random electronic mail based ways to make millions for doing nothing. I feel guilty because I am human but I also feel powerful like a Fianna Fail minister.

Here are my details that you requested: Your full name: Cathal O Riain ; Contact address: P.O. Box 1916, GPO, O’Connell Street, Dublin 2 ; age: 36 ; Occupation: Socialite ; Marital Status: Married (Three times!) ; Nationality Irish (Come on Ireland!) ; Your photos to see you: I have attached a photo of me and some friends at a party. I am wearing the green jumper. I dont have any good photos on this computer. I will send you a better one next time.

I look forward to hearing from you and getting the money, as well as meeting you and having more conversations. When you study business studies here, will you help me to invest all of this money?

Much love

P.S. I like cool music too!


Gladys Faustino
Tue, Nov 23, 2010 at 8:32 AM

Dear Cathal O Riain,
I am very happy to receive your information data and your photo which you sent to me.
The reason why I asked you to be my trustee is because on my arrival to Burkina Faso, I went to clear the money from the bank but the Director operations, told me that as a refugee, my status is not authorized by the local law to clear the money or make transfer of the money to an account. I have suffered a lot in the hands of my stepmother just because of the selfish tradition of ours which they have stood firmly and lay claim on my father estate. This money means so much for me because is the only inheritance from my Mother. I  want peace, unity and harmony to settle in life and  have rest of mind so that I will forget and stop thinking so much about my late dearly and lovely parents.

Now, I want you to contact the bank as my trustee and ask them to give you the procedures of transferring the money into your account for investment.  Also, after the money have been transferred to your account, I will like to relocate to your country where I intend to spend all the rest of my life.

The account number and contact information of the bank are given below: Reseau des Caisses Populaires du Burkina (RCPB) Avenue du Dr. Kwamé N’Krumah 5382 Ouagadougou 01Burkina Faso A/c no: 334685458  Routing no: 5100113  Amount: 4.2 Million USD Depositor:  Mr. Faustino Fudut Imbali Next of kin: Gladys Faustino Fudut The contact person is Mr. Allison Dabité. He is the Director, Operations and Foreign Remittance department of the Bank. He can be reach at the Telephone number: 50 47 60 29 / 76 16 42 58. Email is: a.dabite@***bf.com

Please do maintain absolute secret and confidential on this transaction as I don’t want my stepmother to know my present location.
Thanks and hope to hear from you soon.
Yours truly,
Gladys Faustino


The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Tue, Nov 23, 2010 at 10:53 AM


Thanks for your response. I am excited to get all of this cash.

I will contact the bank as soon as possible, but ironically my phone has run out of credit and I have no yoyos to top it up. I will try to borrow some money or a phone off my mate Badger, but he is on the dole, so it might be hard to get a hold of him on account of all the cider he drinks.

I will get in touch as soon as I can. Dont worry, everything will be grand.


Gladys Faustino
Wed, Nov 24, 2010 at 7:48 AM

Dear Cathal,
I have received your mail.

You can contact the bank through mail. The contact person is Mr. Allison Dabité. He is the Director, Operations and Foreign Remittance department of the Bank. He can be reach at a.dabite@***bf.com
Please do maintain absolute secret and confidential on this transaction as I don’t want my stepmother to know my present location.

Thanks and hope to hear from you soon.
Yours truly,

Gladys Faustino.


The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Wed, Nov 24, 2010 at 9:30 AM

To: a.dabite@****bf.com
Cc: gladysfaustino <gladysfaus***o@****.hu>

Hello Allison Dabite

Gladys Faustino said I should contact you about sorting all this money she wants to launder through me. Whats the next step here dude?

Dont worry I am very discreet and totally cool about this.

Talk to me chief


P.S. Your name is a girl’s name in Ireland.

Modern Ireland – a short film

A few years ago my good friend, documentary filmmaker David Bagnall (Getting Out), was visiting from New York, so we met up with another friend and filmmaker, David O’Sullivan (Moore Street Masala), and headed out without a script, and decided to try and make a short film in a single day. There was such a freedom in just deciding to film and see where it landed us. We began with a simple prop (a suitcase) and a basic costume, and off we went. We shot it sequentially, so it revealed itself to us as a story throughout the day too. As we started to piece it together rapidly in the editing room, we found a silent movie of sorts that seemed to tell a tale about the Ireland we found ourselves in. So I dug out a piece of music I had recorded some time beforehand when I lived in New York (that was part of a different radio play / musical about a singer songwriter called Paschal Quigley). The song “Modern Ireland” seemed to fit nicely and the title was apt, so thats what it ended up being called. It’s a quirky short film with moments of real humour, and even slightly dark elements, but I have to say the finished product is something we were all really proud of. Let me know what you think.