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Posted on : By : kalleryan Posted in : Artchive|Spark in the Dark

man, what a concept!

Several years ago I started drawing these little cartoons that I called “The Man” and each little image was a quirky or philosophical musing on what it was to be alive. Most of them are pretty absurd (and crudely drawn) but they struck a chord with some other friends, one of whom even made a t-shirt out of one of them (what an honour!). So I kept drawing them, and many of them still make me chuckle, and others even feel like they came from something unconscious within me and told some grander truth. Most of all they were just enjoyable to draw, and it is an idea I revisit time to time. I have bucketloads more of them that may well see the light of day as a series sometime, but for now, here are initial scraps of sketches and ideas for that cartoon series of “The Man”. I quite like the simplicity of them and the ideas they evoke.

Posted on : By : kalleryan Posted in : Artchive|Creation Station

WOAH! – Point Break 2; Point Break 3; Point Break 4

As I mentioned before, back in the late 90s when I lived in New York, myself and my dear friends Dave, Jenn and I were intrigued by the burgeoning playground of the Internet. We were creative and wanted to do something online with that energy, so we built a site called artlick.com (no longer active alas) and it became home to our many creative flights of fancy and whimsy. I recently came across the content again and I was so happy to see how inventive some of it was, and equally how naive other stuff was.

I wonder if Facebook and Twitter had existed the way they do now, if the site would have garnered a following of some sort. Instead it became an online portfolio of jokes, animations, artwork and whimsy, that now resides only in the Internet Archive online.

This particular project is a personal favourite that stemmed from our obsession with the classic action film Point Break, where we imagined a series of increasingly ludicrous sequels to the Keanu Reeves & Patrick Swayze classic movie (leaning heavily on our theory that all faltering sequel series ultimately have to end in space!).

Dave’s creative graphic design skills and zeal conjured up these gorgeous posters, billboards, internet ads and soundtrack album covers that are really fun, but still hold a certain reverence for the source material. From what I recall we sought out several open source photos from NASA and government websites. Back then, the internet was a little bit harder to navigate, but I remember the joy of finding these beautiful images and knowing that we could use them as we wished.

The more I stare at these images, I really wish these sequels had been made rather than the recent shoddy remake. And in some parallel universe, perhaps they have been.

At one point I even think myself and Dave started writing a spec script for a Point Break sequel that began 10 years after the conclusion of the original movie. The idea was something to do with Keanu Reeves’ character Johnny Utah going to a skydiving school in Utah. And Swayze showed up there in some guise, very much alive.

But now that Swayze is no longer with us, that movie will never materialise alas. Also, the fact that we never wrote more than the first 12 minutes of the movie, will also make it difficult for the film to ever be made.

I still reckon the original Point Break is a stone cold classic, and I have a lot of fondness for it. For that reason these creations feel both nostalgic and silly at the same time. Let me now what you think of them.

“Surfing’s the source, can change your life!”

Posted on : By : kalleryan Posted in : Artchive|Creation Station|Spark in the Dark

Mr. Splash starring Nicolas Cage and a bottle of ketchup

Nicolas Cage has been making increasingly erratic and poor movie choices for some time now. Back in the 90s, for the now defunct artlick.com project, myself and my friend Dave had this mad idea of creating marketing materials & collateral for a buddy road-trip movie, where Cage would star as himself opposite a bottle of ketchup. We wanted it to be just odd enough to seem almost a plausible choice Cage would make. We really got into it and the final mugshot movie poster Dave created up above is an absolute gem – a proper work of art that belongs on a wall – and I would dearly love to see this movie. Presenting Mr Splash…

The idea began I think over lunch one day when we spilled some ketchup on the table and Dave took a photo of it with our trusty digital camera. Somewhere between that moment and our mild obsession with quirkmeister Nicolas Cage as an actor, grew this idea, which was quite simply one of the most fun creative things we ever brought to life. It spawned such a world for us as we explored it, including a whole backstory and history, as well as a visual identity that we gave a lot of thought to.

We were very interested in getting the right look and feel for this sort of creative project, so it became important to us to test different variations of ideas and styles for the fake film we were constructing. We landed eventually on the teaser poster above, but we did toy with the slightly more cartoonish noir one below for a while, but eventually discarded it.

With the visuals starting to take shape, we spent ages (probably far too long) cooking up names for the cast and crew of the movie. I have very vivid recollections of being very precise and specific about this absurd list of contributors, but that level of detail ultimately helped us bring the creative world it lived in to life. There was a particualr moment of giddiness about deciding the score was written by someone called simply “Barkley”, which somehow was a nod to the legendary composer Vangelis. Which then led to us deciding that Vangelis was actually going to make his debut as an actor in the movie! (alongside a rather eclectic international cast, which you can see in the mugshot poster at the very top of this post)

As part of this extensive world building, we then decided to present the archival materials and content from the film on artlick.com as an exclusive peek into the library of self-proclaimed film historian and auteur  (and crushing bore) Raymind Runn, a personal friend of the film’s director. Below is the elaborate, self-indulgent, and deliberately poorly written introduction we used to present Mr. Splash on the website.

There are other fragments that I can unfortunately no longer find, including a memo from the movie producers outlining a series of changes they required in order to complete the financing of the movie to completion – with ludicrous requests like demanding that it be 17% more funny; adding a scene where someone eats sushi, because people love sushi; giving Nicolas Cage or the bottle of ketchup a catchphrase.

Like so many of the things we created for artlick, we really went deep into the details, and went super specific to our own sense of humour, in the hope that others would follow. And if they didnt, that was ok, because we had an absolute blast piecing it together. Which feels like a good rule of thumb in general for most creative endeavours. It will find an audience. Even if it doesn’t, enjoy it. You might end up with something as funny and simultaneously cool as this poster!

Posted on : By : kalleryan Posted in : Artchive|Spark in the Dark

A series of letters to major drinks manufacturers where I unsuccessfully seek sponsorship for poetry



For almost a decade I have curated and hosted The Brownbread Mixtape, a themed variety show that showcases the best in music, spoken word poetry, and sketch comedy. One of the many shows was centred around the the theme of “drinking”. So, in the spirit of mischievousness (and to generate comedy material for the purposes of hosting the show) I fired off a series of letters to the makers of a variety of alcoholic beverages seeking sponsorship for myself and/or The Brownbread Mixtape. Below are the speculative and outlandishly stupid letters that I actually sent to the various companies in question. While the letters were ultimately absurd and silly in tone, at the heart of them lies perhaps a serious point about the lack of funding for many sectors of the arts. Only one of the companies ever came back with a response – Bulmers cider – and they seemed to get it was a joke, thanking me for the opportunity but gracefully declining. I am a Bulmers drinker for life as a result. Guinness sent back a generic response saying they would delete my email immediately as they cannot receive pitches for commercials, as they presumably could get sued for stealing ideas. None of the others ever responded, yet I still hold out hope like a drunken Friday night reveler. I hope that you enjoy reading them and take them in the silly spirit(s) they were written!

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#1 Devil’s Bit Cider

Dear Devil’s Bit

How’s things?

I am writing to you first and foremost as a big fan of your cider. It’s gorgeous.

Secondly I am writing to you as curator of a popular Dublin gig called “the brownbread mixtape” and as an award-winning performance poet with a small, dedicated following. In other words, I am a minor celebrity who has been described as quite good looking with a good foothold in “the scene”

Right, lets get down to business. There’s no way of saying this without sounding insensitive, so I’m just going to put it out there unfiltered. Your cider has a bit of a reputation for being drunk by pissheads and wasters. More people have your cider for breakfast than dinner basically.

So, I’ll cut to the chase. I am looking for sponsorship to further my artistic career and in return I am offering you the opportunity to leverage my skills and celebrity status to up your profile in a new segment of the cider consumption market. The arts. I would have no ethical or moral issues with this because your cider is delicious and I am not one of those “I am in it for the art” kind of whingers.

I have loads of ideas on how we could make this sponsorship work but here is one, just off the top of my head. You’ve probably seen Bulmers laughable new ads with celebrity economist David McWilliams. Now, I am a personal friend of the younger, cooler celebrity economist Ronan Lyons and I am sure I could convince him to be a part of a more edgy ad campaign for Devil’s Bit. We could poke fun at those pricks at Bulmers whilst maybe throwing in a few sound financial predictions while we’re at it. I would leave that part up to Ronan.

I would love to work with you to develop an advertising campaign and sign a pact with Devil’s Bit. Failing that, I would love some complimentary bottles of cider.

cheers
Kalle

[Note: The economist Ronan Lyons was even kind enough to share the original link to the letters on his Twitter account, so this still has the potential to happen. Come on Devil’s Bit, do the right thing]

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#2 Buckfast Tonic Wine

Dear Buckfast brothers,

I know that you are an order of Benedictine monks so I will try to keep this email quiet.

My name is Brother K and I come from a secret order of Irish monks called “Ar Meisce”. Every month we have a service and gathering in the ancient, sacred chapel upstairs in the “Head of the Stag temple” in Dublin city.  As we have fallen on hard times and you seem to be thriving, thanks in no small part to an abundance of students, hipsters and rip-roaring alcoholics who chug your wine like the apocalypse is coming, we are approaching you to be our financial benefactors and patrons for the remainder of our days. We are looking for 10 grand per month to maintain our current standard of praying and serving the Lord.

While we cannot force you to do this, we can only say that it would be what Christ would have done. And failure to do so will most likely condemn you to eternal damnation or some such variation on that theme.

God bless you brothers and may your wine always be fortified

Brother K

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# 3 Cristal Champagne

Dear Cristal,

Yes yes y’all. / Sippin Cristal , you can call me Kal. /
In Dublin 4 they call for more / Pints of Heino, then champers / SCORE! //
The bubbles are nice, the bubbles are nice / The Cristal bubbles at a nice nice price.

This is Kalle Ryan the poet and that is a little sample of some sweet new lyrics I am working on for my upcoming crossover into the hip-hop world. I will go by MC Kalle Greenz . At present I am a Z-grade celebrity in Ireland who performs poetry and hosts a savage night called the brownbread mixtape.

Now, I know you had a strong market share amongst rappers and hip-hop artists because of Jay Z and other cool motherfuckers. I also know that your CEO made some ignorant racist remarks in an interview with The Economist in 2006 which led to a big drop off in your hip-hop purchasing demographic. But I am here today to bring that fizz back to your bubbly sales with a new hip-hop audience. In exchange for a 7 figure sponsorship sum from you, I will drink as much Cristal as is humanly possible. I will even do this at public events such as The Brownbread Mixtape, where we will serve Cristal at every table (you will pick up the tab for this as a separate charge).

I will then write, direct, edit and produce viral videos for Cristal with my posse  of trained actors and writers, The Brownbread Players, which includes some serious  ballers and hustlers. Their CV reads like a “Best of Irish TV and Film” like Ros na Run, Meteor ads, eMobile, Sky TV, Kilkenny Arts Festival and the voice of directory inquiries. I have a few ideas for the viral video but I won’t pop my creative cork here just yet.

Look, you’re busy people, I’m a busy person. Let’s not yank each others’ chain here. Give me an answer in 24 hours if this is your bag. If not I will sell my lyrical credentials to Courvoisier or some other brand that has a tangential association with the hip hop lifestyle

Maximum respek

MC Kalle Greenz

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#4 Smirnoff Ice

Dear Smirnoff Ice,

This may shock you but your drink is manky. I remember one night I spilt some on the ground and I thought, “the poor ground”. But look, I have an idea that might give you some credibility and make you be the drink choice of people other than gobshites.

How would you feel about sponsoring a bunch of layabout actors, comedians, musicians and arty types? Doesn’t sound that appealing, does it? What if I told you that those people are in fact the wildly talented components in the brownbread mixtape, a monthly indie gig sensation in Dublin city. Between the live show and our award winning web presence you would have literally a hundred people who could be duped into drinking your sugary boozy gargle. Give it some thought. Considering you have a ridiculous amount of money for publicity and marketing, why not shower some of it on this idea?

Get in touch if you’re serious about not being the laughing stock of the drinks fridge

cheers
Kalle

P.S. I’ve seen your vociferous denials about the whole “getting iced” phenomenon but you’re not fooling anyone. Everyone knows you’re behind it. You’re some chancers!

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#5 Jose Cuervo Tequila

Dear Jose,

You know and I know that no one has ever come away from a night drinking your Tequila saying: “That was such a mellow uneventful night full of pacifism and I really feel amazing today”

So, here’s a radical idea. Give me money to run a cool arts night in Dublin where your brand would be prominently featured and in return I will cut out the middle man and pour  bottles of your tequila all over the bathroom floor and along the streets of Rathmines and near the Bernard Shaw pub.

Basically, we will also plug the hell out of your tequila and pretend that it isn’t a foul concoction.

I know what you’re thinking. This guy is crazy. But I might just be brilliant.

Try me

Kalle

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#6 Guinness

Dear Guinness,

I am writing to inform you of an amazing opportunity that awaits you… in this very letter.

Can you guess what it is?

Yep, you’re absolutely right, I have an idea for an ad for you.

I am a published poet, so feel free to heighten your expectations at this early stage in our correspondence

Picture it, black & white footage of three barmen, moustaches, white shirts, black slacks, black ties, nice leather shoes. Not slip ons. All of them walking down Exchequer street  in slo-mo. Each of them kicking an empty keg that’s rolling in front of them. In turn each one shouts “Bring out your dead!” As they pass pubs they’re joined by more barmen, similarly dressed, each one joining the parade and kicking an empty keg of their own until it becomes a parade of them up O’Connell street. Their backs suddenly and unexpectedly catch fire. The flames are deep orange and reds but the rest of the scene is in black & white. Cut to a pint of Guinness settling in a graveyard. It suddenly catches fire.

Caption: Guinness. It’s deadly.

All of this is beautifully scored by a song by Elder Roche. He is a deadly Dublin musician with a great hat and excellent songwriting skills. Plus I need to include him in this because we kinda came up with the idea together one night after a few scoops in the Stag’s Head. Although if we decide to shaft him we could maybe get a Massive Attack song instead. I love their stuff and anything in slow-mo looks deadly when you have a Massive Attack tune pumping over it. In fact, screw Elder, lets go with that.

If that doesn’t sound like your cup of tea, then I am happy to sit down with you to discuss the possibility of me selling out completely as a poet and accepting sponsorship from you. I have been supporting you for years now, so I would be only delighted to receive your patronage. And cash.

cheers
Kalle Ryan

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#7 Bulmers Cider

Dear Bulmers

How’s it going? My name is Kalle Ryan. Remember that name, it will become increasingly important as this letter goes on.

Ok, first things first. I love cider. Correction, I love your cider. Clonmel chardonnay we call it.

Second thing. I understand the whole Bulmers / Magners distinction. A few folks I know are still confused by it but they’re idiots, I totally get it. It’s historical and political, like everything in this country.

Ok third thing. I am a poet. Look me up on YouTube for cool samples of my undoubted talent. I have been a bit of an anti-establishment type of writer up until now and all about doing things for the love of it and for art’s sake. But I am basically sick of it. There’s no money in it and let’s face it, I’m not getting any younger.

So, this leads me to my proposition. I, Kalle Ryan, am offering you a once in a lifetime opportunity to partner up with me to be the first ever officially sponsored Irish poet. Loads of poets and writers and other layabouts have drank silly amounts of cider during their life. But how many of them were actually sponsored to drink that cider or write their poems? None of them, that’s how many.

Picture it now. Bulmers presents: Kalle Ryan. How cool does that sound? I’ll tell you. Very cool, that’s how cool. Provided you threw in a bit of extra wedge I would even be willing to change my name to ‘Bulmers presents Kalle Ryan’ and happily wear Bulmers t-shirts, caps and that kind of promotional tat all of the time.

Look I know you have McWilliams doing your ads at the moment, but let me give you some financial advice, he is a prat, a waste of money and people aren’t buying more cider because of him. I can do poems about cider and we can have people dancing in outrageous attire. In an orchard if you like. That’s the kind of shit people who drink cider absolutely love.

Give it some thought and let me know.

yours sincerely
Bulmers presents Kalle Ryan

P.S. Is it true that you relaunched the Pear cider because the first version gave people the scutters?

Posted on : By : kalleryan Posted in : Artchive|Creation Station|Spark in the Dark

Portrayal of an Artist – Part 3 [Music Parody]

For the past two days I have been sharing the wacky album cover and music industry satire we created for the defunct website artlick.com (see Part 1 here and Part 2 here). This is the final instalment in that oddball collection. And if you thought some of the other albums were odd, you ain’t seen nothing yet. These go deep into really unusual abstract places, but are among my very favourites of the entire series.

Albums: Futurific;  Neon: The Futurific Remixes
Singles: Once in my past twice in your future; Greener Grass; Eliminate your last thought

 

One afternoon in 2001 we headed out around the financial district to take some suitably esoteric photos of me wearing a beanie hat and some Elvis sunglasses. I remember really loving this photoshoot. The result was the Futurific album which we decided was to appear on a new record label called Electric Son. I imagine this as somewhere between heavy beats driven electronica and jazz. We had been listening a lot to the band Red Snapper during the creation process for these, which I feel are a big influence on them.

As with all popular records, you’re nothing if you don’t have a dance-y remix version of your album. So we went to Times Square one night and captured some remarkable photos in front of the neon lit NYPD outpost there to assemble the makings of this sister album to Futurific.

The singles all followed a similar theme to the Futurific album cover but are lent an added air of poignancy given the events of 9/11 a few weeks later. They now stand as a strange document of that time

The most eerie and unusual one of them all was this single, which we named before the terrorist attacks, but now seem strangely prescient given the subsequent events that unfolded. Another curious element here was the naming of Clune (David Gray’s longtime collaborator and drummer at the time) as a collaborator on the tracks. I was a huge David Gray fan, and we had been to see the band perform many times during this period. We had a huge affection for the charismatic drummer Clune in the band, so we added him in as an unlikely collaborator on these.

The Greener Grass single cover is probably the coolest of them all and might well have deserved an album of its own.

We shot so many great images of the Twin Towers, so we designed a funky foldout CD type inlay to accompany the standard album covers. These are really nicely designed I think and the glorious lines of the towers are so photogenic in these. Masterful work by Dave on the design.

Albums: The Rambler Trilogy – The Rambler; The Return of the Real; Committed to Mediocrity
Singles: Slang; The Myth of Everything; Intermission

This is where we went super oddball and arty, and the results are both beautiful and slightly unnerving. It began with a photoshoot in our old office, where we were packing up to move to downtown Manhattan. So there were loads of empty office spaces, brimming cardboard boxes and a wealth of orange packing labels. Naturally enough I decided to stick them to my head to create a makeshift hat of sorts, and off we went. Given the rather unusual atmosphere and ambience of the photos, we took the album art even further out there as we manipulated the images. We also decided to put this out on yet another record label that we called And Recordings, which somehow felt suitably indie. Additionally, I quite liked the idea that the word “and” is a conjunction and it was somehow connecting radically different phases of the artist’s career

We imagined that the recording artist would forgo his usual name (Kalle Ryan- yes, I find it odd talking about myself in the third person too) and simply become a character called The Rambler and this would be a suite of three concept albums that told a trilogy story from his experimental point of view. Ultimately the idea was a series of records based around language. And if you look closely, the table of ideas has resurfaced as one of the tracks on the first album

Again for this one, we decided to a gatefold centre with a slightly unusual look and feel

The singles all followed in the same mad spirit. There’s something almost Kubrickian about them. Empty spaces. Weird characters.

I love the deliberately computer generated blockiness and cut-n-paste vibe of many of them. Seems fitting for something so artificial and contrived.

This one really looks like some kind of otherworldly painting. For some reason it harkens imagery from the Wim Wenders film Until The End of the World, which I was really taken with at the time. I remember going to see Wim Wenders do a Q&A at a legendary 4 hour version of that very movie around this time ( and it was the only print in existence of the movie) so some of that must have filtered into the influences on this one.

Album: Eventuality of Nothing

I think this one was imagined as an instrumental album along the lines of Brian Eno’s Music for Airports. Dave was also a huge fan of Vangelis and I think some of that was fuel for inspiration too. The record label was again different for this one, Lösch Audio, which seemed to fit with the experiemntal soundtrack vibe. If thie artist was to fully realise his wild ambitions then of course he would release an epic lush instrumental soundtrack

Album: I was just getting into that (b-sides & rarities)
Single: Toasting Paint

Any good artist worth their salt must release a B-sides and unreleased demos record (or his contractual obligation will ensure that the record label releases it). But his artist had to obviously go even bigger and release a double album of demos, and an entire record of cover versions. This is very much a Thin Raft album and the choices of acoustic guitar  cover versions ranged from the possible (Bob Dylan) to impossible (Public Enemy).

Fun fact, this photoshoot was done on the same day as Dr Livingstone I Presume, but we didnt use it till much later. There is also a shoutout my friend Corrie Leane (who created the artwork for the Footsteps in Chalkdust album) who is named as co-songwriter on a few tracks. And all of those particular tracks are references or in jokes between us, although my foggy memory can’t really recall the exact reference points any more.

Album: Midnight at Donington

The metal album.?At the time on MTV we were often treated to heavy metal concerts from Castle Donington. So, in my mind that was a connection forged between a place and a genre of music. Which meant that we decided we needed a heavy metal record to capture the artist’s evolving musical development and genre defying proficiency. I think it may have also been inspired in part by Ryan Adams, an artist I adore, who had put out a trash metal record under a different moniker at the time called The Finger.

I think we imagined an epic Stairway to Heaven type track as the closer, and for that we felt we needed to ground it in metal royalty with Kirk Hammett (Metallica) as a guest guitarist on the track. The record label naturally enough had to be suited to the genre, so it came out on Darrk Source, which sounds like something a user on Reddit would call themselves these days.

Album: Zoocoustic

Long before the mighty Ryan Adams made it popular to do a superb cover version of an entire album (have a listen to his Taylor Swift reworking of 1989 – sounds like Bruce Springsteen and The Smiths singing pop songs), I cooked up this acoustic, unplugged tribute to the seminal Zooropa album by U2. A band and an album I adore to this day.The guitar is my Takamine that I still own to this day, and the Zooropa artwork and layour is poached from the original album. I always wondered what this album might actually sound like if it were recorded this way. Over to you Bono…

And that, my friends, is that. Hope you enjoyed this odyssey through my fictional musical back catalogue (Go back and read Part 1 here and Part 2 here). I have a pile of sketches in a notebook of album titles and concepts that we never got around to creating, so I will post those at a later date.

Posted on : By : kalleryan Posted in : Artchive|Creation Station|Spark in the Dark

Portrayal of an Artist – Part 2 [Music Parody]

Yesterday I shared the first part of a project I created with friends for the now defunct website artlick.com (see part 1 here), where we satirised the music industry through a series of fake album covers entitled Portrayal of an Artist. The back catalogue is absolutely huge, so here is the second part of that look back through the album designs (alongside some thoughts on the accompanying creative process). Hope you find it interesting. Join me now to explore the slightly more esoteric output of my musical back catalogue from an alternate universe…

Albums: French Aphrodisiaque; French Aphrodisiaque (Live in New York)

Conceived as a pair of fusion jazz albums released on the same day (ala the Guns n Roses stunt of releasing Use Your Illusion I & II simultaneously) with the added twist that one was a studio record, and the other a track-for-track live performance of the same record. We had created the artwork for the first album and were pleased with it (it now has echoes of The White Stripes, but I didnt personally discover them till many years later) Then one day we were inspired by a large red cube shaped sculpture down in the NY financial district near our office. Dave took a photo and added the white stripe to it in Photoshop, and a second sleeve was born. We were then torn between the two and stumbled upon the idea of the dual release. I wonder why more bands don’t do exactly this.

Album: Office Politics
Single: 95% of what you do here is utterly useless

 

The punk album. I get the sense I may have been less than enamoured with my job at the time, or certainly was channeling some frustration about it anyway, when we came up with this album (and the exaggerated lyrics printed on the back cover). It began with a photo of my head in a photocopier.

The general concept for this one, as I recall, was to put out a raw, more rough looking punk record, but due to cluelessness and contrivance on the part of the artist, it failed to be in any way punk at all. In fact, a punk rock album centred around working in a generic office, couldn’t be less punk rock really. There was a lot of that kind of commercial “punk” music actually floating around at the time, like Green Day, so I’m sure that inspired it.

The record label was Bourgeoisie Beat, which I still reckon is a cool name, and I still dig the logo. I may be misremembering it now, but I wonder if we also imagined a backstory where this record label was a sub-division of some mega label, and this was their effort to have some kudos and be cool.

Album: Pure Yang

This one came from a photoshoot we did one night in my apartment, where we ordered a ridiculous amount of food from the delicious local Chinese restaurant. If memory serves I was also going through some spiritual quest where I was trying out meditation, and I think my roommate Mike had recommended the ‘I Ching’ to me. So all of those influences are part of this one. The record label, Bass Envy, is possibly my favourite label name, but I have zero recollection of what genre of music the label was supposed to put out. At the time it was undoubtedly crystal clear, but I no longer remember. Isn’t it funny how something matters so intensely in a creative process at the time, but with distance, not only does it matter less, you probably don’t even know why it really mattered in the first place. Having said that, I think all of this meticulous attention to detail that myself and Dave put into every one of these pays off in the final product.

Album: Replenish
Single: Lost your nerve yet?

For some of these records, the album title came first, and then the artwork. And on other occasions a cool or funny photo would provide a spark of an idea and the album would blaze on from there. This was definitely one where the photo came first. Dave and Jenn had been defrosting their fridge and this huge chunk of ice had fallen out. We knew instantly that we had to take a photo of some kind with it. When we discovered that the camera had a multiple photo burst feature on it , the idea clicked into place to photograph me breaking it over my head (anything for art, of course!). Now, a reminder that the camera was a super early digital device with a 3.5″ floppy disk recording the images, so it was sloooooooooow. Hence, only the first two photos really captured the moment, and we certainly couldnt go for a second take. But on reflection, the negative space of the subsequent frames was actually kinda cool.

For the single we took a burst shot of my poor forehead that had taken the brunt of the impact of the ice block and had left a little cut. So that had to be documented too of course. And I think we imagined this music to be quite hardcore and abrasive Electronic Dance Music, so it ultimately belonged on the Purification Records label. Our reference point for it musically was a band I never listened to more than one song of called Speedy J (which was more than enough)

Album: Flip you for real
Single: Early Sunday morning

The only album that Dave appears on, and is co-credited as writer and performer. The title came from a line by Benicio Del Toro in The Usual Suspects ( a film we both deeply admired), and it was one we used to jokingly quote at one another often. So it then somehow morphed into us flipping off the camera and turning that into a collaborative album.

And this was our “censored” version of the album cover. We really should have stuck one of those old school Parental Advisory stickers on it.

The record label is Purification Records again, as I’m pretty sure we saw this as an ambient soundscape-y sort of record, maybe even drum-n-bass. In fact, around this time, there was a regular gang of us going to a monthly live drum-n-bass show called Prohibited Beatz hosted by Swiss drummer Jojo Mayer in Manhattan (how pretetnious does that sound!) and that was definitely part of the creative osmosis on this one. I was, and still am, a huge fan of LTJ Bukem, so that may also have been an influence. Either way, the song title “My porch is a ballroom dance floor” ranks up there as possibly the greatest one we came up with.

[Warning – Slightly NSFW]

Album: Se tirer d’affaire, s’en sortir tant bien que mal
Singles: Ne pas, ne jamais, ne rien ; Cannelle

This one was a truly hilarious creation to work on. We figured an artist this enamoured with himself would go full hipster and create an album so pretentious it would be written entirely in French (I am not even sure what it means entirely – Any French speakers out there, please let me know!). To capture that spirit we went for a Jim Morrison-in-a-bathtub-in-Paris photoshoot that showed of my Adonis-like physique (I have to work out to look this bad). In the end I really love the way Dave stitched together the images to make something even more quirky than the originals we shot.

The singles were simply variations on the decadent bathtub theme. The old New York bathroom added a fun flavour to the look and feel of the photos (especially the old school taps in the wall)

Fun fact. This is the same bathroom we took the photos for Replenish in

Album: Continuity in a Box: The Sovereignty Sessions

We envisioned this one as an early years demo tape style release on a renegade label. Or perhaps a session so deliberately bad it would never see the light of day (much like the infamous bang sessions by Van Morrison). To capture that vibe, we made the record look almost like a homemade piece of cover art. At the time there were a lot of live CDs of bands floating around the East Village record shops, and this design was heavily influenced by those DIY creations. Musically I imagined poorly recorded demos with audio quality akin to the first few Mountain Goats records recorded direct to cassette tape on a boombox.

That’s all for now on this phase of the Kalle Ryan album back catalogue. Catch up on Part 1 here. Continue reading in Part 3 here

 

Posted on : By : kalleryan Posted in : Artchive|Creation Station|Spark in the Dark

Portrayal of an Artist – Part 1 [Music Parody]

I’ve mentioned before that I ran a website called artlick.com with my friends Dave and Jenn. We were fascinated with this burgeoning place called the internet and the opportunities it presented to be creative. We had a keen interest in all artforms, especially writing and graphic design, but with very little experience of how to code, so we just jumped in and started building a site full of our own artistic creations, quirky installations and mad ideas (and we learned along the way). There were bucketloads of interesting projects and creations from the site that I’m hugely proud of, and I will post about them further in the coming year, but I’ll kick off with one of the most fun projects we ever embarked upon – Portrayal of an Artist.

Through my friend Ravi, we had acquired an early digital camera (it had a 3.5 inch floppy disk that you inserted into the side to capture the photos!) – and, for us, it was a great way to creatively play with such a futuristic gadget. One day on our lunch break we took a snap of me goofing around the server room in our workplace, and following a little bit of digital doodling later we had a suitably silly looking album cover.And so, our shared love for music and album cover art spawned an entire section of the site dedicated to this parody and satire of the music industry. The idea was ultimately to make fun of the many different styles of album cover art, and a broader sideswipe at self-important, stupid rockstars who put out an eclectic set of genres of music to reinvent themselves — with all the whims of moving labels; lack of quality control; wildly misjudged titles and lyrics.

Some of the photos are still really funny to me, and some are really beautiful and otherworldly. There are some particularly poignant photos in here of the old World Trade Centre too that proved to be a glorious backdrop to some of the albums. Dave did such a class job with some of these covers – some real gems that would look good on a shelf, and others that still make me laugh out loud. And as I look at them I often daydream about what the songs might actually sound like. I really should record them some day. There are also loads of fake album reviews to go with them, which I will also dig out and share at another time. But for now let me take you through some of the creative process that brought them to the world wide web. The back catalogue is absolutely vast, so I will post a chunk of them here today and share even more tomorrow!

Album: DATABANK
Singles: <ANTON> ; <PUNCHCARD>

The first album came about, as I said above, when we pottered around the servers at our office. The word DATABANK was emblazoned on the original databank itself, so we kept it and figured it would make a good album title. That then sparked the idea to create a couple of singles, which Dave used to hone his burgeoning Photoshop design skills.

I remember us spending huge amounts of time on coming up with the right titles for the songs, so they would fit well with the genre of the album (which we assumed was some kind of electronica). Also, there are little details on there that we added for our own amusement; we thought it would be funny that the album version of Anton was 34 minutes long, but the single was drastically edited in length. We extended the joke but reduced the running time even more preposterously for the Punchcard single.

 

Finally, the name of the record label was incredibly important (for this and subsequent albums) and I seem to recall Dave coming up with this one, saying that it felt right for an electronica record. Can’t argue with him. Even now.

Album: Footsteps in Chalkdust
Single: Walking home in the rain

The next album was a great marrying of old ideas with new ones. I had been playing with the idea of pretentious singer-songwriters and had written a sort of poem with ludicrously earnest titles a few years earlier (and pretentious sample lyrics) . My good friend Corrie Leane, a brilliant artist from Waterford, had designed some cover art for them during a poetry/painting collaboration we undertook a few years previously.

The record label (Thin Raft) was also a shared reference I had with Corrie, which came from a Jim Morrison lyric in The Doors song Texas Radio and The Big Beat– “I love the friends I have gathered together on this thin raft”. It was our shorthand for our friendship and artistic kinship. So it felt fitting given this new arty collaboration with a few close friends.

Album: Was?
Singles: Was! ; Memory III

The chronology of these albums (both real and imagined) is pretty fuzzy after all these years. We created these back in 1999 / 2000 I reckon, and this particular album was an attempt to create a singer songwriter album (hence the Thin Raft record label), where the singer had decided to go ultra pretentious and perform only on a piano. And all the titles had to have slightly avant garde sounding Steve Reich / Philip Glass sorta titles. This would be the type of album where critics would nod and agree that he began his more “experimental” phase, perhaps bridging into his next phase of electronica.

 

As a student and fan of the German language, I suspect I was playing with the word “was” which means “what” in German, and the past tense of the verb ‘to be’ in English. Which probably explains why the album title has a question mark and the single title has an exclamation mark. Or perhaps I wasn’t thinking of any of those things.

Album: Dr. Livingstone I Presume
Singles: Cane Toad Nightmares

This album was one that was sparked by an impromptu photoshoot on our lunch break (I know this because my fake watch from Chinatown says it was almost 1pm). I spotted a large potted plant outside a store on Broadway and thought it would be funny to appear from it as if I were an intrepid explorer. The phrase just jumped out at me from something I was reading at the time. I still love the way Dave layed out the title on the cover, with the old school “A-Team” style lettering.

 

We then thought there would be something inherently funny about having LOADS of singles of the Cane Toad Nightmares, given the propensity of cane toads to reproduce so much.

We also felt that the artwork had to have something of a psychedelic “Apocalypse Now” kind of feel to them. The harsh neon colours were a very deliberate choice as I recall.

Again, this was deemed to be a Purification Records release, so some kind of dancey, electronic vibe to it. I’m pretty sure the inspiration for that record label was Warp Records, as we were listening to a lot of Boards of Canada at the time.

I’m still not sure what on earth a Cane Toad Nightmare is. Maybe Dr. Livingstone will know when I see him.

So, that’s phase one of the Kalle Ryan albums. Oddball treasures for sure. For more dizzy album cover delights, read Part 2 of the musical odyssey here

Posted on : By : kalleryan Posted in : Artchive|Spark in the Dark

The Cathal O’Riain emails to scammers: #4 PATRICK JOSEPH

As mentioned in the posts over the past few days, I have been sharing some electronic correspondence with a number of email scammers as part of a brownbread mixtape show on the theme of the internet. Working deep undercover as Cathal O’Riain, I found some pure comedy gold. Here is the final email exchange with Patrick Joseph, a man who is extremely busy with his investments. Please note: Not a word of these emails has been altered. Enjoy!

See also Email Scammer #1: Glady Faustino | Email Scammer #2: Carlos Knight | Email Scammer #3: Thomas Cox |

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Mr.Patrick Joseph – Fri, Nov 5, 2010 at 1:01 AM
Greetings From Mr.Patrick Joseph,

Dear Sir/Madam,

Although you might be apprehensive about my email as we have never met before. I am Mr.Patrick Joseph,a Banker, and Head of Operations with (AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK BURKINA FASO)in West Africa,there is the sum of $13.500,000.00 currently in my branch, there were no beneficiary stated concerning these funds which means no one would ever come to claim it.That is why I ask that we work together, I will be pleased to work with you as trusted person and see that the fund is transferred out of my Bank into another Bank Account,Once the funds have been transferred to your nominated Bank account we shall then share it in the ratio of 60% for me, 40% for you.

If you agree to my business proposal.further details of the transfer will be forwarded to you as soon as i receive your return mail, sending the below information

1. Full name
2: Your private telephone and Fax numbers.
3. Occupations and Nationality.
4. Date Of Birth
5. Present Location.

Hoping to hear from you as soon as possible.
Regards.
Mr.Patrick Joseph
The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy – Wed, Nov 17, 2010 at 12:02 AM
Hi Patrick Joseph

Did you realise that your last name is also a first name? Very coolAnyway I am interested in working with you. It sounds very profitable.Your name Patrick (your first name) is an Irish name. Are you Irish? I am IrishThe details you require are as follows:
1. Cathal O’Riain
2. I do not have a fax. Sorry man
3. My work is hard to describe. I am a celebrity in Ireland. I do Irish language films for a mature audience. I can assure they are very tasteful and I make a good living. My nationality , as you know from earlier in this email is Irish. Come on Ireland!
4. Date of Birth 20 January 1984
5. Present Location is my gaff in Ireland. What is your present location? Do you have a gaff of your own or are you crashing with mates?

Looking forward to doing business with you!

Cathal O’Riain
Mr.Patrick Joseph – Tue, Dec 7, 2010 at 4:31 AM
Dear Friend,

I have been waiting for you since to alert and inform me that you have
received your Confirmable MASTER CARD, but I did not hear from you
since that time. Thus i had to deposit the CARD with CHRONOPOST
COURIER COMPANY BURKINA FASO, before I traveled out of the country for
a 5 Months Investment Project and I will not come back till end of
April 2011.Due to your inability to help and receive the money I personally chose
your name to have, I contacted an old friend of Mine from Bulgaria and
I am happy to tell you that I succeeded in getting the fund
transferred with the help of this partner from Bulgaria. Right now, I
am in Bulgaria for investment on surgical equipment with my own Share
of the money. Meanwhile, I did not forget your past efforts to assist
though it fails us and as a result, I have small tokens for you as a
remembrance for your past effort and I wrote you someday ago but there
was no reply from you.Because of your unresponsive and consequences upon the approaches of
my flight Schedule with the new partner, I decided to deposit the Card
with chronopost delivering company. Hoping that you will forward your
address to them and receive the Card before now, base on my laid
agreements with the management. but i was so surprise today in regards
to the message i receive from Chronopost which clearly states that you
have not forwarded your delivering address were they will ship the
card until now.What you have to do now is to contact the CHRONOPOST COURIER COMPANY
BURKINA FASO as soon as possible to know when they will deliver your
package to you because of the expiring date. from the bottom of my
heart, i stored $600, 000, Six Hundred Thousand United State DollarsForward your information to them, I have paid for the delivering Charges.
The only money you will send to the Courier Company to deliver your
MASTER CARD direct to your postal Address in your country is (£225.00
EURO) Two Hundred &TWENTY Five EURO only being Security Keeping Fees
of the Courier Company so far.I would have paid keeping fee too but they said no because they don’t
know when you will contact them and in case of demurrages.

You have to contact the CHRONOPOST COURIER COMPANY BURKINA FASO   now
for the delivery of your MASTER CARD with this information bellow;
Contact Person: Mr. Goodluck Ibe
Email Address.. chronopostcourierc@post.com
website      :  www.chronotrace.com

Finally, make sure that you reconfirm your Postal address and Direct
telephone number to them again to avoid any mistake on the Delivery
and ask them to give you the tracking number to enable you track your
package over there and know when it will get to your address.

Let me repeat again, try to contact them as soon as you receive this
mail to avoid any further delay and remember to pay them their
Security Keeping fee of £225.00 EURO for their immediate action. You
should also let me know through email as soon as you receive your Card
so that we can share the joy after all.

Yours Faithfully,
Mr. Patrick Joseph.
The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy – Tue, Dec 7, 2010 at 9:25 AM
This all seems above board. The card looks flawless and real. I LOVE it when cool stuff like this happens to me. Can you tell me what the credit limit is on the card? I need to get a few prezzies for Christmas and was hoping I could stick em on the card. Would I be able to buy a load of stuff with it? Thanks a mill Paddy J!

Cathal
Mr.Patrick Josepm – Wed, Dec 8, 2010 at 5:35 AM
You have to contact the CHRONOPOST COURIER COMPANY BURKINA FASO   now
for the delivery of your MASTER CARD with this information bellow;
Contact Person: Mr. Goodluck Ibe
Email Address.. chronopostcour**rc@post.com
website      :  www.chronotrace.com
The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy – Wed, Dec 8, 2010 at 10:20 AM
I thought your name was cool, but step aside dude. The contact person’s name is “Goodluck Ibe” , that is ridonkulous! What a cool name and so apt.I will contact him, but first tell me why you are giving this to me. Is it a christmas gift?

Cathal
Mr.Patrick Joseph – Thu, Dec 9, 2010 at 3:52 AM
Dear partner how are you?I hope you are very fine with your entire family. If so glory is to
almighty God. I’m happy to inform you about my success in getting
those funds transferred under the cooperation of a new partner.Answer to your question not christmas gift ok,but I kept for your
conversation for all the past efforts and attempts to assist me in
this matter. I appreciated your efforts at that time I appreciated it
very much,i didn’t forget your past efforts and attempts to assist me
in transferring those funds i give it you.Finally, remember that I had forwarded instruction to the CHRONOPOST
COURIER COMPANY on your behalf to deliver that MASTER CARD to you, so
feel free to get in touch with her private email the will send the
MASTER CARD for you without any delay.Best Regards,
Mr.Patrick joseph
Mr.Patrick Joseph – Wed, Dec 15, 2010 at 4:35 AM
My dear friend,

I am writing again to inform you that I am no longer happy with your inability to comply with the courier company and receive the Credit Card I mapped out for you.Like I said before, I deposited this card with the company few weeks ago and ask them to convey it to you with the address you provided. Then, I was waiting for you to inform me that you have received the card for quite long but to my greatest surprise; I did not hear fromneither you nor the CHRONOPOST courier company until last week when Iaccess my email here in Bulgaria and I found a message from thecourier company which clearly states that they were unable to locateyour address.As a result of that, I contacted you again and informed you to rewritethe courier company and furnish them with your delivering address so that they can locate your address and come over to deliver it.two things is required from you: I, you have to reconfirm you directdelivering contact address, 2. You have to send the remainingdemurrage fee of £1225.00 all to chronopost as I instructed earlier.I have paid for the delivering fee and it was my intention to pay thekeeping fee too but they refused because they don’t know when you willbe contacting them for the collection and in the case of demurrage. Icould not visit the company again before taken off due to the timefactor and flight scheduled. And where I am presently, it is notpossible for me to send any money, yesterday, I tried to send themoney to Chronopost in Burkina Faso so that they can pay theirsecurity and move on to deliver the card to you but it was quiteembarrassing to notice that Western Union Money Transfer in Bulgariadoes not send money out; they only receive payment.It is not really possible for me to send money from here and I don’t intend to transfer the fee through my joint account with my partnerhere because he was not aware that I mapped out that card for you outof the deal I had with him, he will not be happy with me if he findsout that I made this great recompense to you out of the money we owntogether without his consent. So my dear, if you continue to delay,the demurrages will start counting and also concerning about thevalidation of the card. You have to make everything possible to raisethe demurrage fee of  £225.00 and send to the courier company at mycountry Burkina Faso so that they can do the needful and deliver thecard to youAsk the company to provide you with the Tracking number to enable youdetermine its arrival into your country. You must not waste timebecause the card has until end of Month of DECEMBER to seize from beenvalid. You have to receive and cash the credit before the end ofDecember ok.My dear I have done my part and I was hoping that you must havereceive the Card before now. I am very busy here with my investment, Idon’t have time to access my email always so I want to hear that youhave receive the card soonest so that we can share the joy after all.

Thanks once again
Mr. Patrick Joseph
The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy – Wed, Dec 15, 2010 at 9:31 AM
PJ

I am so sorry that you are not happy with me! I dont think I can afford the fee. Can we make some other kind of arrangement? If you know what I mean

cheers
Cathal
Mr.Patrick Joseph – Thu, Dec 16, 2010 at 7:15 AM
I do not know what you mean the kind of arrangement? so about the fee
£2,25.00 try and send it to courier company at my country Burkina Faso
so that they can do the needful and deliver the card to you.I am very busy here with my investment.
The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy <thebrownbreadmixtape@gmail.com>

Thu, Dec 16, 2010 at 2:38 PM
Paddy Joe,

I mean perhaps I could send you something else instead of money, like I could make a love connection with you in lieu of cash. I dont have any money, but I also write poems. Perhaps I could send you 2250 quids worth of poems? They are good.I hope to hear from you soon

I am very busy here with my poverty.

Cathal

————————————————————————————————————————————–

Patrick Joseph sadly never responded. Obviously he is so busy with his investments he has forgotten to enjoy the finer things in life like lovemaking or poetry. Such a shame. Join me again for another Cathal O’Riain email. One man’s crusade to put a human face on the faceless spam in your inbox.

Posted on : By : kalleryan Posted in : Artchive|Spark in the Dark

The Cathal O’Riain emails to scammers: #3 THOMAS COX

Over the past couple of days I have been sharing some email exchanges I conducted with some email scammers as part of an internet themed bronwbread mixtape. In my guise as Cathal O’Riain, I delved deep into their world and returned triumphant with comedy gold. Here is the third of those email exchanges with Thomas Cox, dispatch officer, cash photographer, country music fan and total ledgebag. Please note, not a word of these emails have been altered (he really did quote all 12 verses of the Bob Dylan song!). Mr Thomas Cox’s crazy colour scheme of the email text has not been changed either. Enjoy!

See also Email Scammer #1: Glady Faustino | Email Scammer #2: Carlos Knight | Email Scammer #4: Patrick Joseph

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SUBJECT LINE: UPS Payment Details For Insurance Fee That Will Keep Your Delivery Safe

Ups Courier Express Delivery <upscourierexpressdeliv#####@gmail.com>
Fri, Nov 19, 2010 at 7:33 AM

Attn: Cathal O Riain,

This is to notify you of a parcel containing a Check worth $5500,000.00  (Five Hundred And FiftyThousand Dollars) issued to us by Mr. Mc Cole and he has paid for the delivery Charges of your package.

Note: You are only responsible for UPS  INSURANCE FEE of $250.99cent , which is included in your deposited check as he has already made payment for the delivery of your package.

Therefore, you are to make payment through Western Union Money Transfer outlet near you to our accounting officer with the details below:

Receiver’s Name: Omoregie Roland, Receiver’s Address: Block 146 Cross Road Ikpebi Victoria Island Lagos Nigeria – Sender’s Name: – Sender’s Address: – Text Question: – Text Answer: – MTCN Number: –

Finally, get back to our office as soon as you have made payment through Western Union or Money Gram with the information of our accounting officer above, also with the MTCN / REFRENCE NUMBER in your payment receipt from Western Union or Money Gram and other necessary details for confirmation to enable us issue you an invoice and a tracking number as well.

I await your urgent response, as I also want to inform you that your parcel is right in my desk ready for delivery.

Tel: +234-703-022-2506
Best Regards,
Mr. Mr.Thomas Cox,
Chief Dispatch Officer (UPS  COURIER EXPRESS).

————————————————————————————————————————————–

The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy

Fri, Nov 19, 2010 at 2:45 PM

Mr Thomas Cox,

Sounds good. Would it be possible to see a photo of the actual cash?

cheers

Cathal

————————————————————————————————————————————–

Ups Courier Express Delivery
Sat, Nov 20, 2010 at 1:45 PM

We are in reciept of your mail and the content herein understood and noted in our file, your request have been seem, but due to the quality and policy of UPS, we only show you the full image of your parcel, but we can not temper with the opening of your parcel, all parcel such as yours are fully intact and only to be opened by you the owner.

The attached  colum contains the Image of your parcel as requested by you. For Confirmation of your given address by World Bank, kindly fill out the information below …

… Do please make sure that all your informations needed are complete to avoid delay,  you shall make this promptly so that by Monday, your parcel can be delivered to your country.
Best Regards,
Mr.Thomas Cox,
Chief Dispatch Officer (UPS  COURIER EXPRESS).

Attachment:

————————————————————————————————————————————–

The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Mon, Nov 22, 2010 at 9:35 AM

Thanks!

I will send you the details later on today once I have met with my bank manager. I must also speak with my wife a little more. She is very suspicious about this transaction. I told her not to worry because I have seen a photo of the package already. My wife is always suspicious because one time she saw me trying to kiss Jenny at the office party. Don’t worry though Tommy I didn’t have it off with her, it was just a bit of an auld feel. Anyway, I will definitely get back to you soon with all of the details you need.

Have a great day my man

Cathal

————————————————————————————————————————————–

Ups Courier Express Delivery
Thu, Nov 25, 2010 at 5:00 PM

We write to let you know that we are still waiting for the provision of your contact details to verify it with the one we have in our custody for the delivery of your parcel and to also make the payment of the Insurance Fee which is $250.99cent. The UPS EXPRESS COURIER are delaying all parcel delivery going to your lacation, you are to make prompt communication of the required things we needed to make your delivery a success.

We are waiting you to make these provision so that your track number will be sent to you to monitor every location where your parcel have reached.
Best Regards,
Mr.Thomas Cox,
Chief Dispatch Officer (UPS  COURIER EXPRESS).

————————————————————————————————————————————–

The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Fri, Nov 26, 2010 at 10:18 AM

Yo Tommy,

Sorry about the delay. My pants got caught on this hook thing and tore it. Basically to cut a long story short I dont think I can contact the bank. I think this sounds like an illegal Nigerian scam and you are trying to trick me.

Can you prove to me that you are honest and that I should do this? Do you like Bob Dylan? I have never met a bad person who likes Bob Dylan. Write back to me or the deal is off!

Cathal

————————————————————————————————————————————–

SUBJECT LINE: Affidavit of Claim

Ups Courier Express Delivery
Fri, Nov 26, 2010 at 2:33 PM

We are in reciept of your mail and the content well noted, we would like to use this medium to inform you that your parcel with us is real and intact safe and ready for delivery. but in the mean time. we’ll like to bring to your notice that for proper asurance and true evidence of the genuity of your parcel, we made contact with the World Bank Branch here in Nigeria to relay your curiousity to them and they was oblige to secure you Affidavit of Claim to us for the UPS EXPRESS to mail to you.

Do find the Affidavit of Claim in the attached colum to this mail. we do hope to hear from you with you contact details and your insurance payment fee.

One more thing who is Bob Dylan?.
Best Regards,
Mr.Thomas Cox,
Chief Dispatch Officer (UPS  COURIER EXPRESS).

Attachment:

————————————————————————————————————————————–

The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Fri, Nov 26, 2010 at 3:12 PM

Tommy,

I very much respect that you have sent me this affadavit. It seems totally authentic and definitely proves to me that your intentions are honorable. High five dude.

As for your question, who is Bob Dylan. Are you serious? Do you really not know who Bob Dylan is? Did you just arrive in a time machine?

Bob Dylan is basically the greatest songwriter of all time. He wrote pretty much every great song that has ever been sung. He is basically recognised as our modern day equivalent of Shakespeare. He is a musical ninja, a lyrical master, a shaman of the soul , a king of rock and roll. Have you ever heard of Knocking on Heaven’s Door (not the shitty Guns and Roses version) or All Along the Watchtower (Hendrix does a savage version of it) or what about Visions of Johanna, Simple Twist of Fate, Subterranean Homesick Blues, The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll, Desolation Row, Isis, Girl from the North Country, Hurricane, Positively 4th Street, Lay Lady Lay, Tombstone Blues, It’s Alright Ma, Idiot Wind or Slow Train Coming? Surely you must know some of those absolutely legendary songs? All of them are AMAZING!

The man is a total ledgebag and basically responsible for most of the great songs that we know in the world. The only other person who comes close is probably Bono. And dont tell me you dont know who Bono is. He is an incredible songwriter and singer with U2 and he has done loads of really good positive shit for Africa. He loves you, so I assume you love him too. If you dont know who I am talking about, its the short Irish guy with sunglasses and he does the peace sign a lot. The last three albums that he recorded with U2 were basically shite, probably because he was busy saving the world and that. I am not blaming you completely, but he definitely took his eye off the ball.

Anyway, I apologies for digressing completely there. I will send you my details in my next email but first you have to promise me that you will listen to the following Bob Dylan albums : Blonde on Blonde ; Highway 61 Revisited ; Blood on the Tracks ; Time Out of Mind (seriously underrated later album , produced by Daniel Lanois, who has also worked with U2 and Bono)

If you have time, take a listen to Achtung Baby and The Joshua Tree by U2. Epic songwriting. Incredible stuff. If you are in the right headspace definitely have a listen to Zooropa and Pop as well. Not for everyone though.

Anyway, get back to me as soon as you have had a listen to those albums. Then we can do the deal. I will send you my contact details and my insurance fee.
You seem cool. Thanks for being a part of my life and sharing in my interests. Talk to you soon duder

Cathal
P.S. I can’t believe that you dont know who Bob Dylan is. You looper!

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SUBJECT LINE: We Wait Your Payment And Your Contact Details

Ups Courier Express Delivery
Mon, Nov 29, 2010 at 6:56 PM

We are in reciept of your mail and the content well noted, we want to let you know that the UPS EXPRESS COURIER SERVICE are all most done with your delivery, so do make the provision of your contact details follow by your Insurance Fee so that we can deliver your parcel this week.

Well for the Artist Bob Dylan this is one of his songs.

Titled: 115th Dreams

I was riding on the Mayflower
When I thought I spied some land
I yelled for Captain Arab
I have yuh understand
Who came running to the deck
Said, “Boys, forget the whale
Look on over yonder
Cut the engines
Change the sail
Haul on the bowline”
We sang that melody
Like all tough sailors do
When they are far away at sea

“I think I’ll call it America”
I said as we hit land
I took a deep breath
I fell down, I could not stand
Captain Arab he started
Writing up some deeds
He said, “Let’s set up a fort
And start buying the place with beads”
Just then this cop comes down the street
Crazy as a loon
He throw us all in jail
For carryin’ harpoons

Ah me I busted out
Don’t even ask me how
I went to get some help
I walked by a Guernsey cow
Who directed me down
To the Bowery slums
Where people carried signs around
Saying, “Ban the bums”
I jumped right into line
Sayin’, “I hope that I’m not late”
When I realized I hadn’t eaten
For five days straight

I went into a restaurant
Lookin’ for the cook
I told them I was the editor
Of a famous etiquette book
The waitress he was handsome
He wore a powder blue cape
I ordered some suzette, I said
“Could you please make that crepe”
Just then the whole kitchen exploded
From boilin’ fat
Food was flying everywhere
And I left without my hat

Now, I didn’t mean to be nosy
But I went into a bank
To get some bail for Arab
And all the boys back in the tank
They asked me for some collateral
And I pulled down my pants
They threw me in the alley
When up comes this girl from France
Who invited me to her house
I went, but she had a friend
Who knocked me out
And robbed my boots
And I was on the street again

Well, I rapped upon a house
With the U.S. flag upon display
I said, “Could you help me out
I got some friends down the way”
The man says, “Get out of here
I’ll tear you limb from limb”
I said, “You know they refused Jesus, too”
He said, “You’re not Him
Get out of here before I break your bones
I ain’t your pop”
I decided to have him arrested
And I went looking for a cop

I ran right outside
And I hopped inside a cab
I went out the other door
This Englishman said, “Fab”
As he saw me leap a hot dog stand
And a chariot that stood
Parked across from a building
Advertising brotherhood
I ran right through the front door
Like a hobo sailor does
But it was just a funeral parlor
And the man asked me who I was

I repeated that my friends
Were all in jail, with a sigh
He gave me his card
He said, “Call me if they die”
I shook his hand and said goodbye
Ran out to the street
When a bowling ball came down the road
And knocked me off my feet
A pay phone was ringing
It just about blew my mind
When I picked it up and said hello
This foot came through the line

Well, by this time I was fed up
At tryin’ to make a stab
At bringin’ back any help
For my friends and Captain Arab
I decided to flip a coin
Like either heads or tails
Would let me know if I should go
Back to ship or back to jail
So I hocked my sailor suit
And I got a coin to flip
It came up tails
It rhymed with sails
So I made it back to the ship

Well, I got back and took
The parkin’ ticket off the mast
I was ripping it to shreds
When this coastguard boat went past
They asked me my name
And I said, “Captain Kidd”
They believed me but
They wanted to know
What exactly that I did
I said for the Pope of Eruke
I was employed
They let me go right away
They were very paranoid

Well, the last I heard of Arab
He was stuck on a whale
That was married to the deputy
Sheriff of the jail
But the funniest thing was
When I was leavin’ the bay
I saw three ships a-sailin’
They were all heading my way
I asked the captain what his name was
And how come he didn’t drive a truck
He said his name was Columbus
I just said, “Good luck”

Best Regards,
Mr.Thomas Cox,
Chief Dispatch Officer (UPS  COURIER EXPRESS).

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The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Tue, Nov 30, 2010 at 11:39 AM

Tommy,

My main man! Thats a great Bob Dylan track. LOVE it. Thanks for sharing the lyrics.

What is your favourite musician of all time? Could you recommend some good music for me? I will buy that music when my UPS parcel arrives.

Thanks dude

Cathal

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Ups Courier Express Delivery
Tue, Nov 30, 2010 at 12:45 PM

We are in reciept of your mail and the content well noted, we would like to let you know thatyou exspected to contact this office with your full contact details and your payment for your Insurance Fee, so that we can carry out your delivery at once.

Note that failure to make these fee and your details avaliable, your parcel shall be returned to the World Bank branch office here in Nigeria as an Unclaim parcel.

If you love country music do look for all album of my favorite country artist Don Williams.

Do make sure that all afro mentioned fees and contact are provided in your next mail to avoid return.

Do have a nice day

Best Regards,
Mr.Thomas Cox,
Chief Dispatch Officer (UPS  COURIER EXPRESS).

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The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Tue, Nov 30, 2010 at 1:42 PM

Tombo

Thanks so much for your response. I really respect your efforts to talk about the finer things in life like music and culture.

I feel like we have learned some great stuff from one another over the course of these emails. In fact I look forward to your email more than anything every day.

I have just listened to Don Williams and I am knocked out. Beautiful gentle country music. I had a listen to his song “You’re my best friend” and it reminds me a lot of my friendship with you Tommy. Together we can discuss all kinds of cool shit, while a package of money (which may or may not be fake) lies unclaimed at your local UPS store. That, dude, is true friendship. It may even be love.

Let me ask you this. If I dont provide the insurance fee and my details and the package goes unclaimed, will you write to someone else or will it stay there forever? Is it possible to do it this way, you send it to me, once I get the cash I will send you the insurance fee and I will throw in a cool 1000 dollars just for you. No questions asked dude.

Let me know if we can come to some sort of arrangement like this. I would hate to think that the money is just sitting there collecting dust.

Talk to you soon “my best friend”

cheers
Cathal

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Ups Courier Express Delivery
Tue, Nov 30, 2010 at 3:12 PM

We are in reciept of your mail and the content well noted, it’s better to talk the real facts about your parcel, well it might interest you to know that the UPS is not just a courier company, but it’s a company with high and legitimate company all over Africa and in diasporal, we do not involve in fraudulent practice, but if you are not interested in the delivery of your parcel it shall be returned to the World Bank Head Quater.

Be aware that if you did not pay up your fee maybe we try to convince you, no we are direct and we have policy that covers all of our operation that we carry out.

The reason we ask you to provide your contact details, is to confirm it with the one we have to avoid mistake while delivery. If you know that you do not want to proceeds with your cliam let us know so as to send you a Discliamer Form for security reason.

Do have a nice day.
Best Regards,
Mr.Thomas Cox,
Chief Dispatch Officer (UPS  COURIER EXPRESS).

————————————————————————————————————————————–

The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Tue, Nov 30, 2010 at 3:37 PM

Coxmeister,

I get the feeling that our friendship has soured and things will never be the same. Are you a bit miffed?

I am not comfortable sending you money and so if that means you dont want to send me the money, then we have reached an impasse. No money no honey!

So what happens now? Do we end this friendship and correspondence? I am sorry that we are not finding mutual ground to agree to make this deal happen, but if you decide we cannot continue, then please know that you will always have a place in my heart and if you want to exchange music tips please feel free to write to me any time you want.

I would strongly recommend you listen to the music of Wilco. Their album “Yankee Hotel Foxtrot” is probably the greatest album of the last 20 years. Have a listen to this song and try not to lose your shit completely: Jesus Etc. – Wilco

I look forward to exchanging music tips with you and hopefully sorting out this cash conundrum if you want to be cool about it. If we cant strike a deal, then please make sure you send the money from UPS to the Irish Government instead, they are strapped for a few bob.

Do have a nice day too. Seriously dude.

cheers
Cathal

P.S. I will never forget you

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Ups Courier Express Delivery
Tue, Nov 30, 2010 at 6:29 PM

Thank for the audence you have given, we will do as you have said, but note that this is a company address and if you would love to get in touch with me in person, here is my email address. murp####d@yahoo.com, we can always talk more there and share alot of Music Tips together.

Mr Thomas Cox

————————————————————————————————————————————–

The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Wed, Dec 1, 2010 at 9:58 AM
The Coxman!

No worries dude. I will be in touch soon on your private email address. Maybe we can be pen friends and discuss music, movies and cool people we have banged!

later bro
Cathal

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2 MONTHS LATER

The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Fri, Feb 4, 2011 at 1:50 PM

Hey Thomas Cox

Long time no speak!
I have been thinking about you a lot recently and I realise that I have been a bad friend. I wanted to write to you and see how you are doing.
How are you doing?
I just heard some amazing new music that you’re gonna love.
1. This one is action movie star Dolph Lundgren performing the Elvis classic “A little less conversation”. He also does karate in the video. VERY COOL!
2. This is a song called N17 by The Saw Doctors. One of the greatest Irish bands of all time from a famous mucker town called Tuam. Get ready to have your mind blown!
I look forward to hearing what you think about these songs. Please tell me about some of your favourite new music.
Talk to you soon old friend!
Cathal
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murp####d@yahoo.com
Wed, Mar 9, 2011 at 12:33 PM
DEAR CathalSORRY I HAVE NOT BEEN AROUND FOR SOME TIME NOW, I WAS FEELING VERY SICK, BUT I AM BACK NOW, I GOT YOUR LAST MAIL THANK YOU VERY MUCH. PLEASE I HAVE SOMETHING I WANT YOU TO HELP ME WITH, DO READ BELOW.TOP OF THE DAY TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY, MY NAME IS MR. THOMAS COX FROM NIGERIA.
I NEED YOUR HELP, I HAVE AN ONLINE ACCOUNT WITH A BANK IN ASIA AND I WANT TO TRANSFER MY MONEY TO COUNTRY NIGERIA, BUT DUE TO THE NATURE OF OUR BANKING SYSTEM, THEY CAN NOT MAKE THE TRANSFER DIRECT TO NIGERIA THROUGH BANK TO BANK TRANSFER.THE PROPOSAL IS SIMPLE AND IT REQUIRES YOUR TRUST AND KNOW THAT THIS PROPOSAL DOES NOT REQUIRE ANY OF YOUR FINANCIAL OBLIGATIONS, BUT IT REQUIRES TRUST, YOUR CONFIDENTIALITY.ALLOW ME GO STRAIGHT TO THE POINT ONCE AGAIN BY LETTING YOU KNOW THAT MY BANK IN ASIA WANT TO TRANSFER THIS MONEY TO NIGERIA AND THE BANK I BANK WITH DOES NOT DO DIRECT TRANSFER TO AN ACCOUNT HERE IN NIGERIA BUT THEY CAN ONLY MAKE THE TRANSFER THROUGH ELECTRONIC INTER-SWITCH TRANSFER SYSTEM VIA CREDIT CARDS, THEY ONLY REQUIRES A VISA OR A MASTER CARD. AND WE DO NOT HAVE THAT FACILITIES HERE IN THE COUNTRY.I AGREEDED TO GIVE OUT 10% OF ANY TRANSFER MADE TO YOU IF YOU ARE WILLING TO ACCEPT AND HELP ME IN THIS PROPOSAL AND I BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN DO IT AND THIS IS THE REASON WHY I AM WRITING TO LET YOU KNOW IF YOU WANT TO HELP.DO LET ME KNOW URGENTLY IF YOU WANT TO INVOLVE IN THIS DEAL.REGARDS
MR. THOMAS COX
+2348136622557
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The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Wed, Mar 9, 2011 at 4:52 PM
You’ve changed.
later dude
Cathal O’Riain

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the brownbread mixtape is a free monthly
comedy, poetry & music show
in the Stag’s Head pub in Dublin, Ireland.

Each  show has a theme.
Each act does a performance based on the theme.
We all have loads of fun.
Simple as that.

We can be followed & liked in these places:
YouTube | Facebook | Twitter | Google+

Posted on : By : kalleryan Posted in : Artchive|Spark in the Dark

The Cathal O’Riain emails to scammers : #2 CARLOS KNIGHT

As mentioned yesterday, one of the brownbread mixtape themes was “The Internet” and cleverly disguising myself as Cathal O’Riain, I embarked upon some electronic correspondence with a number of email scammers. The result was pure comedy gold. Here is the second of those email exchanges with the curt, cool and oblivious Carlos Knight – not a word of it has been altered. He clearly has no interest in doing the business after all. What a tease. Enjoy!

See also Email Scammer #1: Glady Faustino | Email Scammer #3: Thomas Cox  | Email Scammer #4: Patrick Joseph
———————————————————————————————–

RE: I have a question about your business…
Carlos Knight <carlosk@bi********tion.com>
Sun, Oct 31, 2010 at 5:55 AM

Hello,

I was searching online to find a new business and I came across your information.

Can you tell me, are you still involved? If you are, how are things going for you?

Please let me know.

Sincerely,

Carlos Knight
The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Tue, Nov 2, 2010 at 10:23 AM

Dear Carlos,

Not only are we still involved, we do “the business” every day!

Are you interested in doing the business with us?

Let me know what your interests are and we can explore things further.

Cathal O Riain
Carlos Knight
Thu, Nov 4, 2010 at 4:16 PM
Hi Cathal,

Thanks for getting back to me so soon.I just want to make sure your business will plug into my marketing system.

If I’m able to plug it in, then I’ll easily be able to make quite a few sales a week.

In fact, that’s what I am doing with the other programs I’m involved with right now.

Let me check out a few things and I’ll get back to you.

Sincerely,

Carlos Knight
The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
 Fri, Nov 5, 2010 at 10:44 AM
Carlos,

Delighted to hear you might be able to plug us in!

Isn’t that what doing the business is all about after all?

Please do check out a few things and get back to me.

I am eager to start doing the business with you.

Our areas of expertise are in writhing and selling our bodies of work.

I eagerly await your response

Cathal
The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Mon, Nov 15, 2010 at 11:51 PM
Carlos

I just wanted to follow up with you about doing the business.

Any interest?

Cheers,

Cathal